Worthington Jones Age: 25 Height: 5’11” Weight: 175 lbs. Hometown: London, England Worthington Jones, a bartender at the Henry VIII Pub in London, is a god in England for something we folks in the states may not understand. He is a national champion of cheese wheel-chasing. Perhaps you’ve seen this exhibition of drunken athleticism on television. A wheel of cheese is rolled down a steep hill, then a flock of drunken white people chase after it, tripping over themselves and causing some riotous shenanigans. However, Worthington is the one man in the history of the event to actually catch the wheel of cheese. He says, “I just combine my athleticism with my hindered ability to make good decisions brought on my alcohol consumption, and hey, next thing I know, I’m the cheese wheel chasing champion of England! Indeed!” Worthington looks to defend his honor against a stacked field of competitors, many of them coming from the upstart amateur cheese wheel chasing leagues of Japan, plenty of which provide quality footage for the country’s game shows. Lars von Strugnenzenenen…zen Age: 35 Height: 5’8” Weight: 255 lbs. Hometown: Oslo, Norway Lars, or as his friends call him, “Teddy Bear of Death,” is a former competitor on what has become everyone’s favorite thing to watch on ESPN2 at 2:30 in the morning, World’s Strongest Man. After finishing third in 2003 and second in 2005, he appeared to be one of X-treme weight-lifting’s rising stars. However, in 2006, tragedy struck. As he was throwing grand pianos through a second story window of a warehouse while training, all the steroids he took over the years took their toll, and his body popped like a balloon. Now, the Teddy Bear of Death misses his old career, but he has decided on a new path: he is the official yo-yo master of Norway. Last fall, he won the National Championships at Oslo, and his dominating yo-yo prowess will be put to the test at the European Championships in Belgium, two weeks prior to the Feechlympic games. This summer, he will take the world’s largest yo-yoing stage, the Feechlympics, for the pride, the glory, and, as one would imagine, the crazy amounts of girls a yo-yo master gets. Jerry Timmins Age: 47 Height: 6’2” Weight: 155 lbs. Hometown: Tuscon, AZ Jerry Timmins may seem like a normal man. He is a mid-level sales associate at an office supply company in Tuscon, Arizona. When’s he’s not busy driving his yellow Hyundai Sonata from work, watching the SciFi channel, or pwning n00bs on World of Warcraft, he is training to be a Feechlympic curling world champion. Jerry, who is obviously single, and if you couldn’t tell, a virgin, has a full curling complex in his basement, where he goes to, as he puts it, “escape the grind of selling pens all day. It can be so super stressful when a client is all up in my face and yelling. I hate it so much! Grrrrr, you know? [laughs loudly to himself] It makes me just want to come down here and move a broom back and forth really fast.” We asked Timmins what the object of the sport of curling was. He replied, “To be totally serious with you guys, I don’t really know. I think there’s something you slide down the ice, and some guys just brush the ice next to it or something. Whatever, it’s definitely the easiest way for me to get chicks, get on TV and be famous.”
