The Eighth Page

Features Promenade 2008

In the style of former Features Editors Derrick Kuan ’04 and Nate Scott ’05, it’s time to take a critical look at this year’s prom dates. Prom is a special night in a high school student’s career, one that usually ends with a simple thought: “I can’t believe I’m graduating from high school a virgin.” But no prom is significant unless the couple is right. Alexander Heffner ’08 and Kelly Lacob ’08 Grade: 6+ This year’s prom will be covered by CNN as they trail Heffner and his date on the dance floor. As he does nearly every day, Heffner will look stunning in a pinstriped suit and sunglasses. This couple earns the coveted 6+ for his star power alone! Chip Schroeder ’08 and Jen Downing ’08 Grade: 6 Without a doubt, these two are the best-looking Scandinavians on campus. If these two get married, they will produce the most blond-haired, blue-eyed babies in the world. Cassius Clay ’09 and Grace Gordon ’08 Grade: 4 Poor people, beware! This year’s preppiest pair will sport matching Ralph Lauren formalwear. They’ll slip into their own boat around midnight and set sail for Martha’s Vineyard. Bryan Farris ’08 and Kiara Brereton ’09 Grade: 4+ Andover’s star quarterback selected a fine match for prom. After an aggressive recruiting process, the king of the gridiron decided to commit to Kiara. Hanson Causbie ’08 and Lindsey Branson ’08 Grade: 5 If this duo ties the knot, and Hanson for some reason elects to take his bride’s name, he’ll be Hanson Branson. For that reason alone, this pair scores an honors grade. William Hunckler ’08 and Abby Colella ’08 Grade: A 6. Or a 1. This would work. If she could reach his shoulders. We’re sorry. That’s mean. We’re sure you’ll have a great time. Jin Lee ’08 and Michelle Kwon ’09 Grade: Gold Medal Jin, sorry to break it to you, but she’s not the famous skater you’ve heard about. They just have the same name. You’ll have fun anyway, though. Tantum Collins ’08 and Megan Richards ’08 Grade: 93/4 (British grading scale) Known as this campus’s friendliest resident, Tantum will spend most of the evening getting drinks for everyone (probably tea) and helping girls zip up their dresses. Richards earns points for serving as Andover’s First Lady. Matt Cranney ’08 and Simone Hill ’08 Grade: 5+ Cranney is likely to flaunt the comical ‘Tuxedo T-Shirt’ while Simone tries to explain to her parents that he’s really a nice boy. Ian Accomando ’08 and Dana Feeny ’08 Grade: 5- They’ll be the center of attention at promenade, when “Boy Meets World” character Mr. Feeny arrives to take photos of his niece, Dana. The sagacious Mr. Feeny will snap pictures and then return to Penbrook University to mentor Corey Matthews. Matt Gaske ’08 and Katie Costello ’08 Grade: 5 After his prom bus breaks down on the drive to Boston, Gaske will save the day as he drags the bus the remaining 15 miles to the Harbor. Such a stunt should aid his application for a recurring role on “American Gladiators.” Adam Giansiracusa ’08 and Mary Doyle ’08 Grade: 7 This Saudi prince has found his Jasmine in Miss Doyle! Giansiracusa will regale her with tales of Arabia as she fires back her most exciting ballads of North Reading, Massachusetts. Andrew Yankes ’08 and Hannah Turk ’09 Grade: 0 We featuresmen stand up for our senior associates. Who do you think you are, Yankes? Going after Eli Grober’s ’09 girlfriend? Don’t even think about it. You better watch your back. And let the records show that Grober did not write this. Jonathan Adler ’08 and Naomi Sobelson ’08 Grade: 5 This date was ordained in September 2005 under the Adler-Sobelson family merger. Behold, the greatest Jews of all time! Sebastian Caliri ’08 and Jane Shin ’08 Grade: 3 Jane: Um…Seb…will you go to prom with me? Seb: Prom? Uh…I guess. Sean Beckett ’08 and Haley Bruns ’08 Grade: Go back to Exeter! Go back to Exeter, you yellow-bellied traitor! We don’t care how good your electric slide is! Evan Delgaudio ’08 and Gen Clark ’08 Grade: 5-ish They’d have very short kids. Mike Discenza ’08 and Veda Eswarappa ’08 Resolution: 400 x 600 Good luck dancing, Veda! He’ll be too busy taking pictures. Zack An ’08 and Nette Oot ’09 Grade: 4 They have really short names. Kevin Ofori ’09 and Kelicia Hollis ’08 Grade: 4 Here’s our question: how could she pick Kevin over his twin Kyle? Kyle’s much better looking. Maybe she picked the wrong one by mistake? That’d be embarrassing. Regardless of who Kelicia had intended on asking, we hope they pull a good old fashioned switcheroo in the middle of the night. That’d great material for any sitcom. Kieran de Brun ’08 and Anna Henderson ’08 Grade: 6 Too good looking alone, blinding together. We just can’t take it. Lucas McMahon ’08 and Molly Shoemaker ’08 Grade: A Tony Award Hopefully they’ll get to enjoy themselves in between directing and blocking their evening. Hope the tech rehearsal goes well – break a leg, guys!