The Eighth Page

Ceremonies & Traditions

Like any great sporting event, (football, soccer, competitive cow-tipping, etc.), the Feechlympics is bleeding from its coronary artery with history. The Feechlympics dates back hundreds of thousands of years, all the way back to our alien forefathers that left us here to die. The rituals and ceremonies that are incorporated into the Feechlympics are as original as any. Several of the most well known traditions are as follows. Running of the torch To symbolize unity, international cooperation and industrialization, the Board of the Feechlympic Games, headed by Oscar Tang ’56, schedules a torch to be carried through every participating nation in the months leading up to the games. The torch is carved from wood taken out of the Whomping Willow. A magical strand of hair, taken from Rapunzel’s flowing locks, is wrapped around the end of the torch and set ablaze. One of the amazing properties of Rapunzel’s hair, besides being able to hold 1000 tons of sustained forward tension and resist nuclear fallout, is that her hair can continually combust for 10 months 27 days 4 hours 53 minutes and 16 seconds. Once the torch is prepared, it is taken through every nation that is participating in the games. This year, there about 84.73 nations signed up for the games. Instead of having somebody run the torch through every nation, however, the Feechlympics does something a little different. Taking the Feechlympics torch through all the lands requires the highest level of skill, concentration and ability to consume caffeinated substances: we tie the torch to the roof of a Hummer and drive it on the highway. Opening Ceremonies To commemorate the starting of the Feechlympics, an opening ceremony of unparalleled awesomeness takes place. There is the boring lighting of the Feechlympic flame, flag stuff, athletes, blah blah blah. Finally, at the end of the opening ceremonies comes the real show: Ultimate Pokemon Stadium Battle Showdown Extravaganzapalooza League Championships. The Pokemon masters from across the land of Middle Earth come together and have a final showdown. The winner shall wear the Heavenly Crown of the Forbidden Magic. (In actuality, the Pokemon masters are just little kids with too much money, free time, and lazy parents. They end up yelling and throwing little bits of cardboard at each other for a half an hour. The Heavenly Crown of the Forbidden Magic is a Burger King Crown. Just let the kids have their fun.) Hosting Nation Ritual In the Feechlympics, the host nation has to perform a ritual. Whichever nation hosts the game must suppress and persecute a minority province within their borders. Despite the riots and international uproar that is guaranteed to ensue, the host nation must try to cover it up and act like nothing is wrong. This ritual is not only part of the Feechlympics, but has also recently been adopted by the host nation of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. Losing Nation According to Chapter XXVII Section II Paragraph 4 Clause D, “Whichever nation shall loose these games must have its leader do the Hokey Pokey in front of everyone on live TV.” These rules were handed down form Mount Olympus by Zeus last weekend, and its word is law. According to the rules, “Whichever nation does not comply with these rules (I’m watching you, Pakistan) shall be consumed by the gods (Literally, Zeus will eat you).” Winning Nation The winning nation of the Feechlympics receives the ultimate prize; a prize so incredible, so unfathomably spectacular, that entire empires have crumbled just to glimpse the very essence of it. All citizens of the winning nation receive coupons for a free quarter pounder at McDonalds. At the last games, the United States took the first prize. It seems that the US’s citizens have been using their coupons, doesn’t it? —Ben Prawdzik