The Eighth Page

Grand Theft Auto: Andover Edition

With the release of Grand Theft Auto IV, the newest installment of the only game that lets you simultaneously jack cars and smuggle millions of dollars, people are beginning to speculate what’s next for this multibillion dollar franchise. Well everyone, I am here to tell you that I have the answer. Last night, I broke into Rockstar Studios (the company that makes GTA games) using my lock pick, a taser and my handy-dandy notebook and truth be told, I discovered something amazing. The next installment of the GTA series is going to be titled Grand Theft Auto: San Andover Liberty in Vice Andreas, or SALIVA for short. For the game’s sake, I will refer to it as GTA: Andover Edition and judging from what I saw, the game focuses on Andover and its campus. Read on to find out what else is in store. Important People The “Boss”: Throughout the game, all of your missions are done on the orders of “the boss,” a mysterious crime leader who can do anything at any time. Later in the game, you realize that “the boss” is in fact Head of School Barbara Chase. In the game, Chase controls the trade of “drugs” i.e. blue gummy sharks that are smuggled throughout the city. Eating these sharks in the game can have nasty psychological effects. The Police: It is critical that you watch out for the police throughout the game. In GTA: Andover Edition, the police are replaced by Andover’s Public Safety officers and their leader goes by the name of Wendy. You must watch out, for PAPS officers are extremely talented. They are trained in over 42 ways of hand-to-hand combat and familiar with all types of firearms. If you get a high enough wanted rating, PAPS will send in their delta squad, which can be equipped with helicopters, F-22s and tanks. Be careful around PAPS officers. They are obligated to shoot on command if they see you smuggling gummy sharks, stealing library books or riding a bike without a helmet. Reference Librarians: It is questionable why these characters are put in the game, for they seem to serve no immediate purpose. They play their role in the game by yelling at you to be quiet. They will also occasionally stop you and remind you not to plagiarize. In mission six, you are ordered to put over 200 library books in the elevator for no reason, which the reference librarians have to pick up. Weapons Dealers: The weapons dealers in this game are, of course, Blaine and Cassilda. Let’s think about this. You can already get makeshift “weapons” from Blaine and Cassilda (baseball bat, golf clubs, fully-automatic assault rifles, etc.). In GTA: Andover Edition, the weapons arsenal is expanded to include pistols, uzis, machine guns, brute shots, RPGs, chain saws, and naval aircraft. Access to Blaine and Cassilda is unlocked after the fourth mission, where you steal copper gutters from Sam Phil and try to sell it to “the Boss.” Apparently, copper goes for a high price on the streets of Andover. Places of Interest: The Bell Tower: The Bell Tower actually serves as a secret outpost for PAPS officers. They use the tower as a platform to place snipers in case of emergency. The Bell Tower can serve as an excellent weapons platform, if you are able to take it from the PAPS team. In mission seven, you have to take control of the tower from the PAPS officers by calling in and placing a fake story about someone looking at a skateboard without wearing pads. PAPS sends in all available units, clearing the tower, and you are able to take control. Paint n’ Spray: For those of you who haven’t yet experienced the full-on awesomeness that is GTA, Paint n’ Spray is a garage-like location where your car is instantly painted a different color so the police can’t follow you. In GTA: Andover Edition, you can crash your cars into any of Elson’s Art 250 classrooms, and it will act as a Paint n’ Spray. Player access to the Paint n’ Spray is unlocked after mission five, where you steal several Homer paintings from the Addison and sell them to buy Cheese Nips. Vehicles: Mrs. Efinger’s Golf Cart: In addition to the hundreds of cars you can hijack that are on Main Street, you can also steal Mrs.Efinger’s golf cart. The golf cart is especially useful, since you can put a gunner in the passenger seat. After mission twelve, you can install a turret on the back. This is extra helpful when those pesky AHS students try to catboner you. The Ryley Roller: You use this vehicle when you are smuggling certain “goods” through the game. You tell the police it’s “chicken fingers,” but of course, we all know that’s not totally true.