The Eighth Page

Superhero Movie Spoilers

Spider-Man 4: Even Worse than the Third In the newest installment of the “originally decent, now completely ridiculous” series, Spider-man fights off what proves to be his toughest competition yet—his feelings. Committing suicide is not so easy for the recently turned emo Spidey, as every attempt results in his subconscious Spidey-sense saving himself ten feet before hitting the ground. And if that wasn’t enough, there to meet him for an upside down kiss is the smoking hot girlfriend, yet terrible Broadway actress/amazing diner waitress, Mary Jane. While no twist can match Peter Parker slapping Mary Jane in the face in the third film (dark, yet somewhat amusing in a weird, weird way), the fourth installment includes a number of moments that make the viewers wonder who at Fox gave this one the green-light. For a sneak preview, try YouTubing “Peter Parker makes love to tarantula.” Again, odd, yet intriguing. Batman: The Dark Night A follow-up to Batman: The Dark Knight, this epic adventure follows the Dark Knight through a dark night in Gotham. The plot goes nowhere, which is understandable as the movie’s premise revolves around the city’s power going out. The result is hours and hours of footage Batman’s flying blindly into buildings and attempting to look for a flashlight. He then goes on to call N-Star, the local power company, and waits another hour for them to arrive (an hour of useless filler, if you ask me). The climax of the movie occurs as Bruce Wayne, Batman’s alter ego, brushes his teeth and goes to bed. When he wakes up the next morning, the several really dim lights in the city have gone back on, and Batman is praised for what apparently were heroic actions. Can anyone say overrated? Superman: The New Kryptonite In what is said to be the final installment of the series, the final weakness of Superman is revealed—fire. Overconfident in his supposed “invulnerability,” Superman walks directly into a burning building, only to come out screaming, naked and engulfed in flames. How he realized that kryptonite weakened him before finding out the same about fire is unknown to me. And I’m sure it comes as pretty shocking to the majority of the Man of Steel’s fan base. I mean, who says “Yeah, I’m pretty sure kryptonite can kill me, but I’ll just assume that I can walk through fire”? The new film reveals a very idiotic side of Superman and a lot of his coolness factor is lost with his gruesome death by multiple third degree burns. That’s what you get when you try to put a fire out by yourself in a tight synthetic polyester one piece. Some words of advice: leave the heroics to the real superheroes. Iron Man: Stuck in Bed In the follow up to the smash hit that grossed a grand total of over 100 million in the US (that’s right, I’m predicting the future), Iron Man encounters his biggest problem yet—his technologically advanced iron suit. Beginning to rust at the arms and knees, Tony Stark (a.k.a. Iron Man) wakes up one morning unable to move, and this time not from the excessive drugs and alcohol. Not wishing to reveal his secret identity, Stark does not call a friend for help, but rather tries to drag his 1,500-pound body across his house to the garage for some oil. Luckily, a scarecrow and young girl with a puppy hear the noise from the conveniently placed yellow brick road outside and are able to help him out. The trio of friends (now in Technicolor!) gives him some oil and performs a cute song and dance routine. To compensate them for their good deeds, Iron Man flies them across the poppy field, fights off some winged monkeys and kills the biggest wuss of a lion ever. The Fantastic Four Three: See It So We Can Make Four! Only made so that the possibility of a Fantastic Four Four could become a reality, The Fantastic Four Three seems very hard to believe in many ways. For example, Jessica Alba wears a suit that covers her whole body and a guy who is described as being able to “stretch any part of his body to incredible lengths” can’t get with a woman who’s not invisible, although this may just be a matter of girth. In the end, this movie is just a bunch of random shots of Alba’s face put together with a few cool scenes featuring the giant, awesome-looking guy made of orange rock. However, I’ve heard that the entire movie is quite enjoyable under the influence of various hallucinogens. — Billy Fowkes