The Eighth Page


Every superhero team needs a fearless leader. Unfortunately, for the League of Mediocrity, that leader is Featuresman. With humble beginnings as a mild-mannered Features Editor, Marty Blumenfeld ’76 soon climbed the ladder of success and became the CEO of Blumenfeld Devices, Inc. But his career as the head of a fake corporation did not last long. The world didn’t know it yet, but Marty Blumenfeld ’76 was destined for more. One day, after taking a morning swim in his personal vat of toxic waste, Blumenfeld found himself with leukemia. But little did he know, this leukemia made him stronger. Along with the standard, everyday superpowers of flight and super-strength, Blumenfeld also gained the lesser-known abilities of sexual innuendo and Pete-vision. With his newfound powers, Blumenfeld donned a Superman costume purchased at Target and photoshopped the “S” logo into an “F.” Catchphrase “Hey-oooo!” Featuresman in Action Little Girl: Hey Tommy, Do you want to go play house with me under the swing set? Little Boy: Sure thing, Sally! I love playing house! Featuresman: How’s about you let me play house under your swing set. Hey-oooo! Little Boy: I don’t get it. Featuresman: I’m not surprised. Oh hey, here’s Pete. Pete will know what I’m talking about. Yo Pete! Under your swing set? Get it? Pete: Hahaha, Featuresman. You and your over-the-top sexual innuendo. Little Girl: Hey mister Featuresman! Who are you talking to? Featuresman: What do you mean “who am I talking to?’ Can’t you see him right in front of me? It’s Pete! Little Girl: I don’t see anyone there. Featuresman: Stupid little girl. —Lawrence Dai