The Eighth Page

Captain Obvious

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” children all over the world today mutter sarcastically to their friends and parents. Although sass cannot be tolerated and they are beaten senseless with paddles, the legend of the once great Captain lives on regardless. Standing over 5 feet 10 inches tall, Klaus Truck was but a bumbling, unassuming Zamboni Man by the light of day. But when dusk came and the filthier denizens of Tacoma, WA flooded the streets, Klaus transformed into a criminal’s worst nightmare. He was just a boy when a tragic ice cream accident left him both a gimpy right arm and an uncanny ability to state painfully evident things. Life was never the same for Klaus, until one fateful evening, at his 18th birthday party, he saw an old woman get mugged. “It’s a terrible thing for that old lady to get robbed,” Klaus mused while eating his cake, and a hero was a born. The Cap’n dressed in a light blue jumpsuit adorned with both a giant purple “CO” in the middle and the phrase “This Suit Makes Me Look Fruity” on the back. He had many flaws, including, but not limited to, his fear of large animals, heights and foreigners. He was going prematurely grey, but hid it with a cleverly placed bandana that gave him the added bonus of looking cool to particular demographics. Catchphrases “Wow, it’s such a nice day out!” “Put down that heroin, you might become addicted!” “Dogs are not literate!” Captain Obvious in Action Setting: Two burly, hooded men are robbing a bank at gunpoint. A dozen or so civilians lie on the floor scattered around the bank with their hands on their head. The teller is terrified, and on the verge of opening the safe. Enter Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious: Let’s not go doing anything we’re going to regret. Robber #1: Who the hell are you? Captain Obvious: Me? Why I’m Captain Obvious. And what you are doing is against the law. Robber #1: (Looks at gun, looks at partner) Yeah… but what are you gonna do about it anyway? Captain Obvious: I’m here to thwart you. Robber #2: (to Robber #1) Come on Glen, we don’t have time for this. (Points gun at teller) Now open the safe and make it quick. Captain Obvious: Woah, woah, woah, watch where you’re pointing that gun. That thing could really hurt someone if used properly, possibly even intimidate someone into doing something you want them to do out of fear for their life. Robber #1: Will you shut up? (To teller) Do you know this idiot? (She shakes her head) Captain Obvious: Now listen here, criminal. I know why you’re doing this. Robbing a bank means that you will have more money that you have now, allowing you access to items and services that were previously unattainable. But if you are caught in this act by the police, you will go to jail. Robber #2: Wow, you’ve attained some sort of unique glance into my psyche, nay, my very soul. I realize now that this life of evil I’ve committed myself to is not the only path, but merely a manifestation of my rough childhood, especially the lack in development of my secondary sex characteristics. Captain Obvious: It’s all in a day’s work, good sir. Robber #2: (Breaks out laughing) Oh, man. That is… that is priceless. I almost held it in, but oh, god. Stop bothering us (unloads 14 rounds into Captain Obvious’ chest, leading to a massive loss of blood, and eventually, death) Robber #1: Now give us the money, lady. —Alex Moss