“Now boarding cars three through fifteen,” cackle the overhead speakers in the train station lobby. But Jake doesn’t hear the announcement. He can’t—he’s five miles away on the side of a highway holding his L.L. Bean backpack and a broken umbrella. “Oh, for the love of Alexander Hamilton,” he whispers to himself, “I’m going to miss my train.” In an attempt to find a shortcut to the train station on the last day of his three-day weekend, Jake has wandered astray. He stops walking to think for a minute. “If I don’t make it back to campus,” he tells himself, “I’ll have missed sign-in for the seventh time this month. I knew I shouldn’t have spent a weekend in Jersey with my recently incarcerated uncle.” It begins to rain. As Jake pries open his broken umbrella, two headlights come barreling down the road. If you think Jake should attempt to flag down the approaching vehicle, jump to 1 a. If you think Jake should be afraid of the oncoming car and run away as fast as he can, jump to 1 b. If you think Jake should just give up now and drown himself in the ever-intensifying rain, go to choice 1c. 1 a. Jake starts jumping up and down. He yells and screams until the car beings to slow. As the brakes squeal, a door is thrown open and a figure exits, arguing with the other passengers. If you think Jake should now realize that this is definitely not a safe situation and that he should pretend he is just a tree on the side of the road until the car has driven away, go to choice 2a. If you think Jake should just suck it up and approach the recently arrived strangers, go to choice 2b. 1 b. Of course you would choose the worst option possible. You suck. Jake tries to run away, but the car turns into an alien spaceship and abducts him. The aliens use his body to find out every weakness the humans have. They destroy the world. Way to go, idiot. 1 c. The Features section is not qualified or permitted to detail the events that follow. The following is a replacement option: Jake wishes very hard for the sun to come out and it does. The birds tweet and the grass sways and everything is warm and happy. Jake skips his way back to campus and signs in on time. 2 a. Jake uses his term of required theater experience to act as a maple tree on the side of a highway. Sweat begins to glisten on his brow as he concentrates on being a tree. The strangers argue with each other for what seems like days until, finally, the hooded figure standing in the rain is pushed to the ground as the car speeds away. If you think Jake probably has a cell phone in his pocket and should probably use it, make your way down to choice 3a. If you think Jake should see what’s going on and introduce himself to the hooded stranger, jump to choice 3 b. 2 b. Jake makes his way through the now pouring rain toward the car. The driver sees Jake through the rear-view mirror. The driver’s eyes light up. The figure outside of the car is pushed to the ground and the driver begins to pull away. If you think Jake should try to pry himself into the car before it leaves, jump to choice 3 b. If you think that’s a terrible idea, you’re right. Jump to choice 3c. 3 a. Jake takes out his cell phone and flips it open. He wipes the screen clean with his sleeve and goes to his contact list. He calls his dad, an excommunicated pagan minister now living in Brazil. As he places the phone to his ear, lightning strikes, electrocuting Jake on the spot. Bad luck, mate. 3 b. Jake jumps on the top of the car and tries to slide into the passenger’s seat by way of an open window while the driver slams on the gas pedal like in those James Bond movies. Jake doesn’t make it. 3 c. Jake approaches the mysterious stranger just as the rain breaks. The figure, still sitting in a puddle, turns and wipes rainwater off a cheek. “Hillary?” inquires Jake. The figure stands. “What does a girl gotta do around here to get a vote, huh?” —Eli Grober ’09
