The Eighth Page

Prawdzik’s Patented Personality Test

This test is designed to weed out the mentally insane people on campus so we can institutionalize them and eliminate the threat they pose to society. The test is quite easy. Simply read the given scenarios and circle one of the given answers: A, B, C or D. At the end of the test, look at the answer key and add up the point value that corresponds to each answer you circled. Next, look at the point key to see what category you fall into. Finally, write your scores down on a sheet of paper to put in Ben Prawdzik’s mailbox. Be sure to include your age, PAnet username and password, social security number, credit or debit cards, bank account numbers and a $100 deposit for security purposes only. Scenario 1: You are walking along Main Street, and an unmarked white van pulls up next to you. The driver, who is wearing a pirate flag bandana over his face, rolls down the window and says he will give you candy if you get in his car. What do you do? A) Pull out your Spartan Laser and blow up the van. B) Pull out your Spartan Laser and destroy the car behind the van, to let the man inside know you mean business and really want some candy. C) Candy! You love candy and immediately hop inside. You also give the man the man your phone number, address and a list of all your “tickle zones” so he can contact you next time he has candy. D) You take out your handy-dandy bear mace and tell the man to keep a 100-yard distance or you will call the police. Scenario 2: You are doing your casual 11:20 p.m. walk through the sanctuary, ignoring the strange noises you hear from the bushes next to you, and you finally get to Rabbit Pond. You are amazed to see Harry Potter riding a magical unicorn over the pond. Even more amazing is what happens next: Barbara Chase herself comes out of the water, riding a flying walrus. She collides with Harry in the air. Both fall into the pond. What do you do next? i) Quickly jump into the water, which is now full of seven-foot waves, to try to save Harry Potter and Barbara Chase. It would look good on college applications — and to your imaginary friend Kingsley Shacklebolt. ii) Realize jumping in the water is pretty dangerous, and look for an alternative. You find a straw and begin to drink the water in the pond so Barbara and Harry don’t drown. Pause, burp then repeat. iii) Pull those seven Sharpies out of your nose and go to Graham House. And that stuff you drank in Chem class, as you know by now, wasn’t grape juice. A) i and ii only B) iii only C) i, ii, and iii only (why would you say only?) D) [(7 + log(ii)] / ( h(i2+4i) – 9)] + sin(iii) Scenario 3: You see a crowd of people outside your dorm and go over to investigate what all the buzz is about. On the roof of your dorm, you see your roommate with a helmet on, two makeshift cardboard wings strapped to his/her arms and your house counselor tied up in a chair. How do you respond? A) Tell your roommate that he/she cannot fly with those wings and persuade him/her to give you his/her lunch money. Bullies always win. B) Quickly run up to your room and grab your own special wings. Then go to the roof and jump off before your roommate can, so that you become the first human to fly. C) Take no action D) All of the above Point Values: Scenario 1: A) 2 (btw where did you get the Spartan Laser?) B) 3 C) 1 D) 4 Scenario 2: A) 1 B) 4 C) 2 D) 3 (you are only getting 3 because you could simplify that expression) Scenario 3: A) 4 B) 1 C) 3 D) 2 (is that even possible?) What the points mean: 10-12 pts: You have a lot of common sense. We need more people like you and me. Go up to the next ten people you see and say, “Hi, my name is (your name here), and I am probably smarter than you.” 7-9 pts: I am questioning your common sense a little bit. You’re fit to be around other people, just remember to wear your protective helmet and take your medication. 4-6 pts: Congratulations, you are legally ignorant, for lack of a better, more offensive word. Ignore the man in the white lab coat coming towards you. He only wants your friendship. 3 pts: You are either a primary threat, national and domestic, or you are that annoying kid who circles all the wrong answers in front of his/her friends to be funny. Well, let me tell you something, no one thinks it’s that funny. In fact, you’re kind of obnoxious. You have no friends. Anything else pts: You added wrong, idiot.