The Eighth Page

Life’s tough when you’re a Yield Machine

Spring revisits have come and gone. Young students have traveled from all over the world to see what Phillips Academy Andover had to offer them, and those young students will return to their homes, hoping they’ll never have to come back. As students, it is our job to get these kids, or at least their parent’s money, to come to this school. Many of you have already hosted prospective students, but for those who haven’t, here are a few tips and tactics for next year. Tactic Number One Most of these child prodigies you’ll be showing around probably won’t have any taste in music. That’s where you and the five hundred dollar speakers you convinced your parents to buy you come in handy. Take your guest back to the dorm to let them “experience the life of a boarder.” Then, once in your room, close the door and unleash the raw power of an electric guitar on them. If they don’t scream in agony, then the volume isn’t loud enough. It doesn’t matter if you play Metallica or some unknown, indie band—as long as their eardrums explode from the intensity, the music has done its job. After a solid hour of this, your guest will realize that no other school can offer what you have just given them. In the words of Metallica, “Say your prayers, little one.” Tactic Number Two One of the benefits of PA is our lack of a formal dress code. To utilize this privilege, I would advise you to remove all of your clothing before meeting with your guest. Embrace nature in all of its glory. Not only will you appear to be very liberal and artsy, but also the beautiful spring weather will agree nicely with your private parts. If your guest is the friendly type, they’ll join in on the fun too. (Note: In the midst of showing your guest around, be sure not to get too excited.) Tactic Number Three Be true to the admissions office and make good of their mantra to become a yield machine. Make sure when your guest arrives that you are suited up in a robot costume. Speak primarily binary code, i.e. all zeroes and ones, with an occasional two to make them think you are an advanced robot. If this is not enough, begin harassing them. As soon as they utter the words “get off of me, you horny robot” you’ll know you have completely your job successfully. Tactic Number Four Nothing is worse than having your guest outperform you. To prevent this from happening, you may need to tweak your résumé. If your guest tells you they have climbed a mountain, you politely inform them of your hiking trip on Mount Everest last summer. If they talk about their experiences helping orphan children in Africa, tell them how you are an orphan child, and still found the time to cure world hunger. Keep in mind that the line between fact and fiction is very blurred. Expanding the truth never hurt anyone. Tactic Number Five No matter how many lies you tell your guest, always let them know that Exeter is much worse. It is a known fact that the murder rate is twice as high on Exeter’s campus as it is here. And while Uncommons may be bad, an average of two human fingers every year are found in the soup at Exeter’s cafeteria. Not to mention the fact that they have more robotic sex offenders than we do. And you can take that to the bank! Now, if at any point you feel bad for lying to your guest, refer to the last line of tactic number four. Now, these tactics may seem immature, ridiculous, or even possibly illegal, but none of that matters. By signing up to host an incoming student, you made the choice to put your life on the line. You must distort the truth and risk everything in order secure your guest’s position as Phillips Academy Andover. —Kevin Carey