The Eighth Page

Flight Club

Being a resident of New Hampshire, flying is a somewhat foreign concept to me. In fact, I didn’t know planes existed until very recently when I arrived at the Manchester Airport and saw strange looking flying machines zooming through the air at high speeds. I boarded one of these strange machines that was going to a place called “Orlando” with what appeared to be an entire nursing home on board and palettes of Ensure being loaded into the cargo hold. Before I knew it, I was in a place where there were palm trees and the temperature was mild. It was called “Florida.” Naturally, I was curious about this sudden occurrence. After I did some reading about this “flying” business, I discovered many new things. For instance, there is an upstanding, respectable organization called “The Mile High Club” where people fornicate in planes. Fascinating. After I researched further, I discovered that other, lesser-known clubs related to flying also exist. I figured others might want to know this dazzling information. #The “I Buy Everything From SkyMall” Club SkyMall is my favorite in-flight shopping catalogue, hands down. As I leafed through this magazine on my flight, I noticed some incredible things that no one should go without. In fact, I began to wonder how I could live without some of these necessary items. Who wouldn’t want a Coolaroo Dog Bed for Fido? How about the Slanket, the blanket with sleeves? Or I could cruise around town in a Cadillac Escalade Golf Cart, competitively priced at $14,000! Or, my personal favorite, “Mombasa, the Eight-Foot Garden Giraffe.” The product description really intrigued me: “… your neighbors are sure to be surprised when Mombasa moves in next door.” That’s for sure! And, to top it off, Mombasa’s hand-painted! It’s like putting pink flamingoes on your lawn, only it’s more obnoxious and way more expensive! #The “I Laugh Hysterically At In-Flight Movies” Club Generally, members of this club laugh for minutes on end at sub-par romantic comedies such as “Failure to Launch” or “P.S. I Love You.” However, the movie I watched, “Last Holiday,” had one woman across the aisle in stitches. Watching Queen Latifah try to go skiing is comedic gold, and the zany antics she is involved in throughout the movie make it a feel good romp for the entire family. Still, the movie was funny only to a point, and the woman’s laughing ten minutes after the movie finished was a bit strange, so I slapped her. Unfortunately, the air marshal was sitting nearby and tazed me. I’m still in jail. #The “I Get Wasted On My Flight” Club The man sitting next to me on my flight was a charter member of this club. After pleading with the flight attendant for his ninth Bloody Mary, I asked him if it was really a good idea to drink so much on his flight. He shouted to me, “Hey kid, they’re free!” I informed him that they cost four dollars apiece. He then sobbed hysterically, vomited on my lap and fell asleep. I learned later that this club is also referred to as “Alcoholics.” #The “I Hit On Flight Attendants” Club A subdivision of the “I Get Wasted On My Flight” Club, this club requires their members to be balding, overweight, middle-aged men who relentlessly throw themselves at female flight attendants, using as many inappropriate pick-up lines as possible. These altercations typically end with the flight attendant politely declining a sexual request, and the club member calling the flight attendant a “brazen hussy.”