He’s a world-class cyclist and a gastroenteritis survivor; he has even performed a hernia surgery and enjoyed it. Now, at the age of 16, he has retreated to Phillips Academy to serve as the resident aviation expert. Billy Fowkes will now take your questions. Q: Why do your ears pop when the plane goes up? – Harry Hooker from Detroit, MI A: Thank you for the great first question, Mr. Hooker! I do not know exactly the correct answer, but I will attempt to explain as best I can. Your ears pop because of the fact that you get really high really quickly. Now, I’m not much of a drug expert – despite what rival aviation experts might say – as I dedicate my time to researching the art of flight, but it makes sense to me that if you were to simultaneously smoke, snort and inject various drugs to get a quick high before boarding the plane, your ears would pop right then and you would avoid the problem. I’m only about 99 percent sure on this one, but we can round up. Q: You know that little, indestructible black box that records everything? Why isn’t the whole plane made out of it? – Iona Sweatshop from (no location) A: That sounds more like a question for an expert on little, indestructible black boxes, doesn’t it? You, my friend, have a lot to learn. That’s like asking Dane Cook for tips on how to be funny. Q: Where does the waste go? -Willie Stroker from Las Vegas, NV A: The waste will normally go into the toilet, depending on midair turbulence at the time. For men, #1 often ends up in the sink or on your shoes, which is why flip flops are not recommended and yellow work boots are preferable. I hope this has answered your question, sir. Q: So what’s the deal with airplane food? –Jerry Seinfeld from New York, NY A: Stop making these dumb jokes! The only reason people laugh is because of that goofy voice you have. To tell you the truth, I only watched your show for Kramer and because I had that little bit of hope that Elaine would finally get naked and hook up with the Soup Nazi. I’ll go with Skinemax next time. Q: What kind of car do you drive? -Amanda Huggenkiss from Holden, MA A: Do you honestly think that an aviation expert would drive a car? I travel only by plane and on camel back. Flying camels, that is. Q: Why are stewardesses always so hot? –Hugh Jass from Cleveland, OH A: The common myth behind this one is that the more attractive the stewardess, the more enjoyable she will make your “last wish” if the plane goes down. What is the real truth behind it, you ask? The guy driving the plane is Ron Jeremy. Q: Are the oxygen bags really there? –Chris P. Bacon from Juneau, AK A: The bags are there, but the oxygen is not. The bags are actually filled with a poisonous gas meant to put you out of your misery quicker. To tell you the truth, if there were any chance I was going to die on a plane, I’d make it cool and jump out the door naked. It would feel more natural, plus, what better story to tell the big man when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? You’ll most likely earn immediate membership to heaven’s Bonified Bad@$$ club, with Jesus, Abe Lincoln, and club president, Rodney Dangerfield. Q: Does the seat actually come off in case of emergency? –Dan Druff from Dallas, TX A: Let’s face it, man, if you need to remove the seat that means you’re going to jump. If you’re going to jump, that means you’re not going to make it. Just go with the procedure I described in response to the last question. Or hand your stewardess a nice tip. Q: What is the best kind of terrorist? –Randy Lover from Bath, ME A: The nice kind who buys you flowers and doesn’t leave you waiting in the park for five hours. —Billy Fowkes
