The Eighth Page

Upper Year: What to Bring

Another long, cold New England winter has come and gone, and already the first signs of Andover spring have begun to emerge: birds singing, buds appearing, the stench of mud wafting through the air and of course—less than a week into the term—the Upper class looking exhausted and frail. For the class of 2009, Upper Spring, the most dreaded and reviled term at Phillips Academy, has finally, woefully arrived. With college visits, History 310 term papers and masses of homework ever on the mind, it remains to be seen whether all of next year’s Senior class will make it out alive. The Phillipian, accordingly, has prepared a list of eight survival supplies that we encourage each Upper to obtain to prevent all-nighters, nervous breakdowns, death and most importantly, failing. They are: 1) A Lucky Charm: To get through Upper Spring, you will need all the luck you can get! Clovers and rabbits’ feet are popular choices, but The Phillipian recommends horseshoes—they are good luck and may also be used to knock out teachers for less homework and free cuts. They also protect the feet of other, more fortunate small mammals, such as hares or chipmunks. 2) Food: Food is necessary to live. Without it, you can die! 3) Water: You can also die if you don’t have any water, so drink up! Careful, though, too much can make you bloated! 4) A Toilet: All that food and water has got to go somewhere! Without one, you’d have to go outside! SO embarrassing! 5) A Lower-Slave: Everyone knows that Lower Spring is a joke, so why not enlist one to help with your heavy workload? Promise them that you’ll help them out next year in return, and then, when the time comes, don’t! 6) Cher CDs: With all of the stress caused by Upper Spring, you really don’t want to waste your time listening to any crappy music. The Phillipian thus recommends the purchase of Cher’s Biggest Hits to get you through the term. It is the best CD ever. 7) Ritalin/Aderall/Other Various Methamphetamines: Useful when you’re having trouble staying up and still have stuff to do, and can also be the source of tons of great personal fun! 8) For the Guys, Viagra: See #7. [Editor’s Note: Considering that the author is a 17-year-old male , we are very concerned.] With these eight items, there is no doubt that you will make it through the term with flying colors. Always keep in mind, though, that summer is really right around the corner. Senior year will be here faster than you think! Then it’s our turn to make fun of next year’s uppers during spring term! Woohoo! —Thor Shannon