The Eighth Page

Group Study Sessions: Too Much Group, Too Little Study

Mike: Alright guys, we have one hour until the history final and over 700 years of history left to cover. Frankie: Wait, we have a history final? Curtis: What do you think we’re getting graded on? Frankie: Our personality? Mike: I figure we’ll just start in the Middle Ages and work our way up from there. Frankie: When were the Middle Ages again? Peter: Right after the First Ages and right before the Last Ages! (Laughs heartily at his own joke) Frankie: Oh yeah. I think I remember our teacher mentioning that. Curtis: You idiot, those aren’t real ages. Man, how did I get stuck studying with you? Mike: Okay, maybe we should just move on. Does anyone know anything about the Bubonic Plague? Peter (Snickering): This one’s easy. The Bubonic Plague was spread by rats. The rats figured that if they could wipe out humans, they would be the most powerful animals on the planet. There was only one flaw in their plan — rats are stupid. They only succeeded in wiping out a little more than one-third. Why stop at one-third? Why not go for the entire human population? Stupid rats. Frankie: Whoa, I always knew those rats were conniving. I used to play with them in the sewers all the time when I was younger. You know what I got from them in return? Rabies. That was the last time I invited Scabbers Jr. over for some light necking. Curtis: As exciting as your childhood sounds, I think I’d rather choke on a pair of my own dirty gym socks than listen to your irritating voice anymore. Mike: Well this doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. How about the Renaissance? I think there are some good questions about it on this study sheet I got in class. Okay, here’s one: what were some of Michelangelo’s greatest accomplishments? Frankie: He’s the orange one right? Mike: What? Frankie: You know… the orange one. The one who really likes pizza. Does “cowabunga dude” ring a bell? Mike: Are you talking about the Ninja Turtles? Frankie: Took you long enough. It seems someone’s a little slow on the uptake. Curtis: I couldn’t agree with you more. Mike: Can we please get serious here? If all of you want to get good grades on this test, I think you need buckle down and— Jennifer: Hey guys! Sorry I’m late. I was busy…doing something. Mike: What could you possibly have been doing that is more interesting than studying for finals? Jennifer: Is that a serious question? Deep-water bass fishing. So anyway, what’d I miss? Curtis: Only about 500 years’ worth of nothing. Jennifer: That’s okay. I pretty much know all of it anyway. I’m only a little confused with the feudal system. Peter: It’s simple. Back during the Roman Empire there was this emperor named Feudal. He made this law that whenever someone saw a peasant he had to shout “Feudal” really loudly. And I guess it just kind of stuck through history. Jennifer: Haha, that was so funny I think I might actually hurt you if you ever say that again. But really, will someone please explain it? Curtis: That’s all the way back in the Middle Ages. We’ve already covered that time period. I guess you’re just out of luck. Jennifer: C’mon guys, it’s only one thing. Can’t we just go over it really quickly? Mike: Forget it. I’m just going to go over there and make a timeline for myself and study it until the exam. Curtis: Oh, you don’t have to worry about making a timeline; I already did that. Look right here. (Points to a piece of paper) When the study group started out it was boring. Then as time progressed it became useless. And now we’ve about reached the Golden Age at super-ultra uselessly boring. Mike (Sighing): Just like last term. —Greg Hanafin