The Eighth Page

A Gangsta’s Guide to Final Examz©™

My name is Billy Fowkes and I am the author of A Gangsta’s Guide 2 Final Examz©™. I am a man who likes to take the initiative, ride flamingos and drive golf carts in the nude, but that’s beside the point. I am here to give you some test taking strategies. Should I do the essay first, or should I start with the multiple choice? A) Multiple Choice. Should I use a blue or black pen? A) Blue. These are some of the many questions you have probably been thinking about for a while, and I have just now given you the correct answers. After reading the following excerpts from my book, I assure you that you will know how to approach each type of exam question (no matter how unethical the method may be). Multiple Choice While the old process of elimination may help some, it still only gives you 50 percent odds (possibly 33.3333333333333 percent if you’re really stupid, or 150 percent if you don’t know how to calculate odds). Rather, by using the age old formula of “cheating,” one can increase his or her odds to 100 percent. However, you will only succeed with foresight. First off is seat choice. DO NOT sit next to your best friend, because chances are, if you are pathetic enough to cheat, your best friend is not the one you want the answers from. Second, know your strategy. Will you sit within viewing range of the smart kid, or will you pull the “Whoops, I just happened to throw my pencil across the room to where the nerdiest kids sits” trick? It’s your decision, so choose wisely, young grasshopper. Short Answer Let’s face it — this section is completely ridiculous. One or two sentences is supposedly all that you need, but when you get your test back the comments simply mention that you could have written more and you end up getting half the credit. Then there are the kids who go overboard and write a nine-page essay, only to find the “Read directions” comment, notifying them that they are dumb and should only have written one or two sentences. What is my solution to the teacher messing with your head in such a detrimental way? Hold him/her hostage. Tie him/her up in your basement the night before the big exam. Your teacher will surely guarantee a switch from short answer questions to twice as many multiple choice. And as stated above, the multiple choice strategy is very effective. Definitions The simple solution to acing this section of the test is to read the dictionary backwards, because there is always one useless “z” word on the exam. Or you could simply store the definitions to words in your TI-83+ for the test. This may pose a slight problem, as calculators often are not allowed on tests with definitions, such as history tests. Luckily, the history department members are a bit old and a little stuck in the past (no pun intended). Therefore, you could convince them that your calculator is something else, such as an insulin monitor, or maybe even your new iPod touch. All the hip, technical talk (or their jealousy of your snazzy insulin monitor) will quickly convince them you are not lying, and you are home free. Identifications The answer is simple — it’s always John Wilkes Booth. If John Wilkes Booth makes absolutely no sense, then go with good, old, reliable Abe Lincoln (for test purposes, ‘Abraham’ is more appropriate). Chances are it’s one or the other, as these are two of the more famous figures in our history as a country (P.S. Booth was the assassinator, Lincoln was the one who got shot). If the format for the ID section requires you to write about a given person, then you’re screwed. Start screaming about your love for the devil and stab yourself in the wrist with your pencil. This should get you excused. Essay “The main key to essay success is to begin with a quotation” (Gangsta’s Guide, Billy Fowkes, 2008). I have based every essay that I have ever written off of this famous quote, and I have experienced great success. In addition, I follow the general essay structure of: Opening Paragraph, Factual Paragraph, Completely memorized paragraph plagiarized from the internet, Conclusion, Post conclusion. The combination of this structure and the quote has led me to Probation and a solid 3.5 GPA on a 0-6 scale, and, if I’m not mistaken, 3.5 is a bit more than halfway, losers. Therefore, if you can ace the essay, or even do a few favors for your teacher, you have a solid chance of passing your Winter Term exams. —Billy Fowkes