As the Winter Term nears its end, spring comes a knocking, and one thing is on everyone’s mind: what are the three best ways to pick up girls? Well, everybody is in luck, as I just so happen to be a “pick-up” artist. The following are some very important rules I have developed for picking up girls, and for the ladies, examples of how you should act when being “picked-up.” Rule #1: A common misconception about women is that young ones like to look older. Tell them what they really want to hear. Me: Hey, babe, you’re looking hot tonight. Do you want some water to cool down? Ha ha, I’m just kidding, I really meant hot as in “sexy,” get it? But if you actually do want some water I’ll get it for you, I guess. Girl: Um, no thanks. What’s your name? Me: Billy, but my friends call me Thunder. Except for Jeffrey, he calls me Bulldog sometimes. So how old are you, beautiful? Girl: Um, 17. Me: Wow! I never would have guessed that; you have the body of a five-year-old. Girl: Oh my God, finally a boy who thinks so! Let’s get out of here! Rule #2: Be honest. Me: Hello, sexy, can I buy you a drink? Girl: Can you not see that I have a full glass sitting right in front of me, jerk? Me: Actually, I couldn’t see that. Your lineman shoulders were blocking my view of the whole bar, chubs. Now do you want a drink or should I take the five-minute walk around you and start hitting on your friend over there? Girl: Fine, I guess I’ll have a— Me: Of course you want another one, pig. Girl: What’d you say? Me: Nothing, just tell me what you want. Girl: I’ll have a Coke. Me: Oh, come on, who are you trying to kid? Bartender! Can I get a diet over here please! Girl: You’re so rude. Me: Yeah, but I also bet I’m the first guy to talk to you in a long time. Girl: True dat. Me: Double true. Rule #3: Be daring. Experiment with other species. Me: Dang, cow-girl! You finer than a fine point pen! Cow: Moo. Me: Moo, you say? What a coincidence! I’m really getting in the moo’d too, heh heh. Wanna’ come to my place? Cow: Moo moo. Me: Alright, I suppose we can moo moo’ve it to a nice restaurant or something. I’m always up for it. Anything for you, you dirty heffer. Cow: Moooooo. Me: Ohhh, so you like it when I talk dirty to you? Alright, I can play that game. Let’s see… I just want to chop you up into pieces and eat your juicy tenderloin. And maybe afterwards we can cut off your hooves and make some quality glue together. Would you be into that? Cow: Moo? Me: It’s okay if you’re not. We can take it slow. —Billy Fowkes
