Hiding Under Chairs Kids born on February 29 age much slower than everyone else because their birthdays are only once every four years. Through a similar line of thinking, this February 29 is still in the 1950’s, since the day itself doesn’t “age” very quickly either. If you think about it, we’re probably still in the Cold War come February 29 this year. You better be prepared if those Ruskies get angry. In order to ready for such a drastic lifestyle change, listen to Elvis at the sock hop and go back home to watch the newest episode of “The Twilight Zone.” After that, get under a chair, put your head between your knees and pray to Leapy the Leap Frog that you make it to March. Sacrificing Lambs If you despise Leap Days—or you don’t celebrate or even recognize them—then sacrifice some lambs to the gods with the people of B.A.L.D. (Bigots Against Leap Day). Hopefully, after the sacrifice, Leap Day won’t return for at least another three years. Surprisingly, this unorthodox ritual has been working quite well for the past few leap years. Also surprisingly, lambs are very unwilling to be sacrificed, which can get pretty gosh darn annoying. On the bright side – there’s enough tender mutton to feed the whole village. Not Working for a Calendar-Making Factory Leap year is the year that calendar-making factories flip out. They go crazy when they realize the amount of extra money it will take to print an extra day in their calendars. In fact, many calendar-making factories don’t even recognize Leap Day. My friend once worked for a calendar factory. He didn’t really like the dental plan. And his Leap Days sucked. Going to the Movies and Eating Chinese Food Those who just don’t celebrate or recognize the Leap Day, such as myself, aside from being a day behind everyone else every four years, take this day off to watch movies and eat Chinese food together. It’s like Christmas for the Jews, except it’s Leap Day for idiots. Serving your Community Homeless people are bound to be even more bummed out than usual on Leap Days because it just means one extra day during the year that they’re homeless. But with your help, they won’t have to feel that way! Visit a local shelter, and don’t forget to bring snacks! And don’t forget to make your Leap Day resolutions! Here are a few possible resolutions and hints at how to accomplish them: • Be more like Leapy the Leap Frog: Of course! Who doesn’t want to emulate our best amphibian friend? If you’re an Animorph, then this shouldn’t be too hard. Otherwise you’re pretty much out of luck. • Lose weight: Throw your diet pills down the drain, because all you need to do is cut off your own head and you’ll have already lost eight pounds. But be sure to sterilize your bonesaw before you do anything. • Get onto “Dancing with the Stars”: I don’t really have much advice on this one, but if you don’t make it and you’re still looking for a dance partner, I’m always here. • Befriend a Southerner. After all, they are technically human. —Eli Grober
