I’m almost positive that everyone’s least favorite month is February. Sure, November might get a few votes now and then, but four out of five of able-bodied duck-shooting red-blooded Americans can agree—February sucks. I mean, is it winter? Is it spring? Why is it always dark? Why is there always a fine slushy substance covering the ground? Sure, it’s occasionally fun to step in it and make funny sounds, but mostly it’s just inconvenient. And if February weren’t bad enough as it is, I had to go and break my glasses before the month even started. It wasn’t a clean break in half either, so I couldn’t tape them together and try to pull off the whole Harry Potter look. Anyway, I’ve written in my journal for the past month, chronicling the longest time I’ve ever gone without glasses. Don’t laugh. Guys can have journals too. It just means I’m in touch with my feelings. Friday, February 1 This isn’t that hard. I do have one question though: How the heck am I supposed to watch Hey Arnold? Also, I think I may have said hey to four inanimate objects today. They were all much friendlier than I expected. Monday, February 4 Just to clarify–without glasses or contacts, my eyesight is about 20/4000. I can’t see more than six inches in front of my face. And to whoever switched my Pepsi with an extra strength laxative: not cool, man. Not cool. Friday, February 8 Crossing the street to Bulfinch is more or less a guessing game at this point. I generally go based on sound, but occasionally one of those silent hybrid cars scares the Scooby out of me. I think I speak for blind people everywhere when I say screw the environment. Also, that unbelievably obnoxious beeping sound on Main Street that lets you know when it’s safe to walk? It’s taken on a lot of added significance. Sunday, February 10 I looked into buying a watchdog today, but they were all extremely hostile toward me and the owner of the store kicked me out after about a minute. After I returned to the dorm, a friend of mine told me that not only was there a steak in my back pocket, but I was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. Hooligans. Thursday, February 14 I solved “Operation Hey Arnold” today by blackmailing someone into relaying the events of the episode to me. God bless that football head and all of his wacky hijinks. (As for the blackmail, we’ll just say he enjoyed “27 Dresses” a little more than he should have.) Sunday, February 17 I think my teachers are starting to catch on. See, I can’t read the small print on most of my tests, so I just end up putting random circles everywhere on the page with a few “yes’s” and “no’s” sprinkled in. This led to one of the more awkward conversations I’ve had at Andover, almost on par with that time when my dorm counselor walked in on me making out with a cantaloupe. Teacher: Hey, Alex… you’re not blind, are you? Me: I don’t think so… Teacher: What does that even mean? Me: I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. Door: Breaks my nose. Tuesday, February 19 I woke up in Isham with no idea where I was. I soon realized that I was surrounded by nurses. Nurse #1: Wait, so he’s being blind on purpose? Nurse # 2: Pretty much. Nurse #1: What an idiot. They tried to make me put on a new pair of glasses, but I executed a daring escape. It cost two human lives in the end, but certain sacrifices have to be made for the sake of journalism. Our memories of those brave nurses will never be forgotten. Sunday, February 24 This is getting ridiculous. Not only have I started using words like accrued, but I’ve accrued 38 cuts. I didn’t even know that was possible. I think I may have broken a record for either a.) Most times woken up in the snow with no idea how you got there or b.) Most times a victim of that stupid prank where someone kneels behind you and a second person pushes you over. Stupid freshmen. They think they’re so cool. I’m by far the worst blind person ever. Thursday, February 28 It’s almost over. This has undoubtedly been the toughest of my 30-Days trials, and I have gained a newfound appreciation for blindness. I suppose I haven’t really learned anything else this month. Usually there’s a moral, but this time there isn’t really one, or anything like it actually, except maybe that I’m stupid. At least it’s finally over. What!? It’s a leap year? Whose stupid idea was that? [expletive deleted]!
