To Whom It May Concern (and to all others whom it may not directly concern but whose best interest it would be to continue reading anyway): It has come to my attention that this past week there were two more pranks pulled in our very own Oliver Wendell Holmes Library. This brings two issues to mind. First of all, the library and its staff are not receiving the kind of respect they deserve. Second, taking away DVD’s for one weekend does not turn students into well-mannered, respectable library-goers as we had originally thought. No matter the intentions or seemingly harmlessness of the said pranks, they should not, cannot, and will not go unnoticed. It pains me to do so, but I must inform you that there will be consequences for such immature acts. Although I am sure that at least half of you were not involved, we’re just going to punish all of you anyway. On Monday night, some delinquents thought it would be funny to replace the toilet paper in the library facilities with the “Arts” section of The Phillipian. While it is quite surprising that the disappearance of this section went strangely unnoticed, that is beside the point. This prank is much more serious than it may seem. It is the job and the privilege of the library staff to assist students with any library needs. We enjoy finding books and getting information for students’ research projects. However, our ability to lend a hand last Monday was hindered, as many students were stranded in the restroom without the aid of the school’s precious two-ply. After considering my options, I conclude that an expendable privilege on campus must be sacrificed for this weekend. The school’s restrooms will be locked tight from the time classes end on Friday until Monday morning. Under no circumstances will any librarian or OWHL staff member open these facilities to the public during this time period. Any students with bowel or bladder-related “accidents” shall be held responsible for their own actions. Also, on Thursday morning, while opening the library, the staff found the remnant of another disturbing prank. Written in spray paint on the innocent brick walls of OWHL were vulgar phrases such as: “Catboner,” “AHS rules” and “Boy, it’s a good thing we go to Andover High School and not Phillips Academy or we sure could get in a lot of trouble for this.” Now, although we do not know the exact culprits of this vicious assault on school property, we are absolutely convinced that they were students or faculty members of this institution. Our only choice is to revoke the privilege that was misused by the felons. Throughout out next week, it is required that teachers remove all writing utensils from the possession of students in their classes. This weekend, dorms will have mandatory room checks and all pencils, pens, chalk, chisels and etch-a-sketches will be confiscated until next weekend. As for day students, a letter has already been sent home to parents urging them to do the same. There will be no exceptions for tests, essays or any orther assignments. Again, these pranks are very serious, and I hope the punishments that have been handed out prove that any disrespect shown towards the library and its staff will be dealt with severely. To make my point clear, I have decided that there will be one more penalty for the antics that occurred this week. Until further notice, Uncommons will be moved about five miles from its present spot to a newly opened lot on Abbot campus. Just think about all the exercise you’ll be getting from the extra walk, and it won’t seem like a punishment at all. We realize this punishment has nothing to do with the aforementioned pranks, but hey, we’re the OWHL. We do what we want. Remember, the library and its staff are here to help you, not to clean up after you. Nonetheless, I hope all have a good weekend, and I hope the juvenile pranks of a few will not disturb the weekend and the following week for the rest of you. Sincerely, Oliver Wendell Holmes VI —Greg Hanafin
