Hey all you kiddies! Guess what? The circus is in town! And we’ve brought crazy circusfolk and their sideshow buddies too! —Lawrence Dai, Eli Grober, Ryan Yost The Temporary Tattoo Man! Don’t be afraid of the temporary tattooed man’s ghastly appearance, for we assure you that all of his clever cartoon flaming skulls will come off with a couple of good scrubs with soap and water. And trust us; this guy is experienced with temporary body art. No one knows the feeling of warm, wet towels being pressed up against the skin better than our own temporary tattoed man! Check out the Mario tattoo on his back while you still can. It’ll only last for a couple more days. From the Desk of the Lion Tamer… Dear Diary, You are so lucky that horrible lion didn’t bite off my writing hand, or else I would have never been able to write in you again. I don’t really know why she bit me in the first place. All I did was wrap my arm in raw meat, and then wave it in front of her face. I thought it would give my act a little more “umpf,” but all it did was cause everyone in the audience to take pictures with their phones and then leave. I did manage to get in the top 10 vids on Youtube. Then, I was a guest on Jay Leno and was nominated for dumbest person in the Darwin Awards. Things are looking pretty darn good, Diary. The Incredible Ice Eater! Anyone with a tank of gasoline and a box of matches can pretend to eat fire. Ice eating, on the other hand, is of the noblest of art forms. Our own professional ice eater downs her cubes straight from the tray. Raised in the far away land of Montana, 15-year-old Bridgette Hitchens has been eating ice since she was born, even though her orthodontist advised her against it. Supposedly, it’s bad for her braces. But even without the added danger, ice eating proves to be a most death-defying feat. From the Desk of the Ringleader… Dear Diary, ? So many things went wrong in the show today. I don’t even know where to start. Lion tamer Joe managed to piss off ol’ Bessie the lion so much that she tore his arm off. He deserved it in my opinion. Joe never knows when to quit. I guess it’s partly my fault for letting him wrap his arm in raw meat and wave it around. The two trapeze artists, Melinda and Helga have been fighting all week. This finally peaked tonight when Melinda purposefully dropped Helga in the big finale. I think Melinda might have been jealous of the relationship Helga and I had. So all in all, I’m down a performer, a girlfriend and I have to go to Melinda’s trial. She’s looking at 25 to life. The tight rope walker, Jeremy, showed up drunk as a skunk, so you can imagine how tough it must have been for him to walk on a rope suspended 50 feet above the ground. The best way to describe it would be a horribly failed drug test. I can barely walk on the yellow line when a cop pulls me over, but this guy made it halfway across a rope. A raise might be in his future. That, along with a stomach pump. The fire blower ate onions for lunch, so the whole place smelled. At first, I thought people were crying because they were so amazed by the show, but when my eyes started to burn, I finally realized what was going on. When I asked him why he ate onions, he said it was to get the gasoline taste out of his mouth. I plan on introducing him to Listerine pocket strips soon. Hobo the Clown thought it would be funny to make balloons for the kids that were in the shape of human reproductive organs. I have to go to his hearing right after Melinda’s. It is possible that half of the performers in my circus are criminals or have served some jail time. The fire blower singed the hair off of his girlfriend’s pet cat, and the strong man had countless battery charges, and sometimes they were unintentional. He just keeps forgetting what a light pat on the back is, and he even broke some guy’s arm giving him a handshake. Diary, what should I do? The Bearded Man! Susan Chicks, our former Bearded Lady, has recently underwent a sex reassignment surgery, affirming a newfound gender role. Now going by “Gary,” Susan has become the infamous Bearded Man of the Features Circus. While other sideshows may be able to offer “actual” human physical oddities, we here at the Features Circus respect the needs of our sideshow folk and are more than happy for Susan…we mean… Gary… From the Desk of the Trapeze Artists… Dear Diary, Jail isn’t so bad. I’d rather rot in jail all my life then have to perform with that nuisance Helga. ?I think she wanted to steal the spotlight from me, because every day she’d waltz into practice and go flirt with Tom, our ringleader. I heard they were going out for a while, until Tom found out that she had done the dirty deed with the poop scooper in the lion cages. After that, I was the main acrobat of the show. But Helga still insisted on overtaking me. I did what had to be done, for the better sake of the circus. A bladed baton has never been used in a better way. From the Desk of the Diary… Dear Helga, Hello? Anyone there? From, Diary From the Desk of the Poop Scooper… Dear Diary, I don’t get enough credit at this circus. When I pick up the poop of those elephants, I am saving everyone within smelling distance from watery eyes and singed nose hair. I sometimes think elephant crap would be a great biological weapon against terrorists. Just drop a few tons of that stuff on the enemy and you’re in business. An idea like that might just get me out of this hell hole and rollin’ in the Benjamins. The Stupendous Lactard! Ladies and gentlemen, don’t be afraid of this young man’s appearance! You’ll forgive him after you realize the magnitude his terrible, terrible ailment. For you see, the amazing lactose intolerant man is unable to ingest any milk or dairy products. Step right up and see for yourself! He’s unable to metabolize lactose like us regular people! At least, not without some kind of weird-tasting pill/powdery stuff that isn’t worth the trouble because dairy products just aren’t all that great! Come see this genuine freak of nature! Watch him drink his little carton of soy milk as he cries. It’s a good thing he isn’t allergic to his own tears, or he’d probably be in anaphylactic shock by now. As a result of the lack of calcium in his diet, he has morphed into a giant jug of Kool-Aid. He is also a part-time actor who’s best known for breaking through brick walls. Oh yeah!