The Eighth Page

College With Chris!

Mrs. Michaelson: Hi, please sit down. Chris: Thanks. I’m glad we’ll be sitting, because I have a nasty stain on the seat of my pants that I don’t want you to see. Mrs. Michaelson: Oh, don’t worry about it. Let me introduce myself. I’m Cindy Michaelson, class of ’73. I was a Spanish major. Chris: My neighbor, Francis Martinez, was a lieutenant in the Spanish military. Do you know him? Mrs. Michaelson: I was a Spanish major, as in, my academic concentration. I have not served in the military. Chris: That’s too bad. Francis is the man. He’s picking me up after this and we’re going bowling. Mrs. Michaelson: How nice. Is bowling one of your hobbies? Chris: It is. I’ll often play a round or two, then leave without returning the shoes. Mrs. Michaelson: So you steal bowling footwear? Chris: Only if Francis manages to create a distraction. He usually pretends to drop a ball on his foot or to choke on a corndog. Mrs. Michaelson: Let’s talk about a problem you’ve confronted recently. When did you step up as a leader and encourage change? Chris: Alright: my friends and I were behind a drugstore spray-painting graffiti, and all of a sudden one of them says, “Hey, let’s get some food.” So we enter the drugstore and guess what he selects as his snack? Fritos! Mrs. Michaelson: I don’t see the problem with Fritos. Chris: I’ll tell you the problem, Cindy. Fritos are too salty. Do you know what Fritos are? A Frito looks like a chicken’s toenail. That is, if chickens were the size of people and didn’t properly treat their infected toenails. I think Fritos are made only to entice consumers to purchase expensive drinks. I’m surprised Fritos don’t come with a drink. “Here are your Fritos, sir. And enjoy this $5 Frito-ade.” Mrs. Michaelson: This seems to be something you’re passionate about. Chris: It certainly is. Is it strange to ask to use the restroom during a 15-minute interview? Mrs. Michaelson: Well, I guess if you have to go. Chris: Thanks. (Chris leaves then returns three minutes later without his tie) Mrs. Michaelson: Chris, what happened to your tie? Chris: Oh my goodness. I forgot to put it back on. Mrs. Michaelson: Why did you take it off in the bathroom, Chris? Chris: I didn’t want my tie to dip into the toilet bowl when I sat down. Mrs. Michaelson: You were moving your bowels just now? Chris: Yes. And I left my tie in the stall. Mrs. Michaelson: I’m sure it will be there when we’re done. Now let me ask you, is there anything in your academic record that you feel needs an explanation? This is your chance to inform the admissions committee of anything important that may not be apparent on your application. Chris: I’ll just say this: Upper year was a fluke. I played way too much Halo to be held accountable for my grades. Mrs. Michaelson: I’ll be sure to mention that to the committee. Let’s change gears a bit here. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? Chris: World peace. Just kidding, that’s absurd. Did you see the movie “Superbad?” I wish that movie had lasted another 30 minutes. It was so hilarious. I guess not all adults like it. I mean, how do you feel about penis jokes? Mrs. Michaelson: I’m not going to answer that, Chris. I think we’ve spoken enough. Thanks for meeting with me today. Chris: Anytime, Cindy. Are you going to give me your business card? If you do, I’ll feel obligated to write you a ‘thank you’ note. Mrs. Michaelson: Are you saying you don’t want my contact information? Chris: I’m just saying that I don’t own any stationery and my note will be written on the bottom of a stolen bowling shoe. Mrs. Michaelson: Goodbye, Chris. —Jonathan Adler