The Eighth Page

The Prince Diaries

From the Desk of Prince Charming??Dearest Diary,??For a prince who is considered the “fairest of them all,” life is pretty “fairytaletastic”… Who am I kidding? Oh Diary, let me spill out all of my woes to you. My whole life I have tried to impress the fair maidens, but to no avail. I am too ashamed of my real self, the side that NO ONE has seen…except for me. Diary, this is the first time that I have admitted my flaws. ??First of all, I am a prince and I am supposed to wear tights, right? Well, what kind of man wears tights EVERY DAY?! Let’s just say that the chaffing is unbearable…. My puffy sleeves don’t help with the taunting from the ladies that I encounter either. As I attempt to redeem myself with a bit of dragon slaying, I fail horribly. Why is this, you ask? Because little, pathetic Prince Charming is too scared to lay a finger on a real sword.??Living up to the princesses’ expectations is rather difficult. Do they have to be so picky? My horse doesn’t even meet the standards of a “noble stead”—he is merely a retired Mongolian mule. My hair is wearing thin, and now I am required by my agent to wear a toupee. My teeth are not pearly white and my eyes are not blue. Must this be such a crime for a prince? I cannot help that years of smiling has added a yellowish tint to my teeth and that both of my parents had brown eyes. Whatever will I do on this lonely, dark, and cold Valentine’s Day???Considering that it is Valentine’s Day, I must admit that my love life has been UNenchanted. Who was the wise guy that said that fairytales have happy endings? Well, I don’t know what you’ve heard but every fairytale that I have been in has ended, how should I say, unfortunately.??Cinderella: After returning from our fantastic honeymoon in Cancun, three days later, our castle burnt to the ground. Let’s just say Ella really was “Cinder” after that…??Sleeping Beauty: Maybe it wasn’t the wisest choice to eat garlic bread before rescuing her. Not only did my breath reek, but in the process of kissing her, I bit her lip. I guess she didn’t want a lip piercing.??Snow White: Once again, I had to kiss her awake. Considering my bad luck with Sleeping Beauty, I should have turned the other way and gone back home. When I bent down to kiss her, our lips touched, but a bit of poison apple still stuck in her teeth got into my mouth. I was hospitalized for months.??Ariel: A toupee and swimming? I don’t think so. I never liked fish anyway.??Oh Diary, I fear this will be the last of my entries. I am far too ashamed to go on with my life. —Alanna Waldman