The Eighth Page

A New England Patriots’ Love Scandal

Reports recently issued by the The Phillipian during a raid of the New England Patriots’ secret island headquarters (home to various hatches, polar bears and smoke monsters) reveal that lying beyond 736 videotapes, a computer held files hinting at a possible romantic relationship between Bill Belichick and his star quarterback Tom Brady. These controversial emails date before and after the disappointing Super Bowl loss, and it appears that one gentleman was growing tired of the relationship. Email Sent At 9:05 PM, 1/30/08 From: To: Subject: Post-Super Bowl Plans Hey Tom, You were looking good out there at practice today. You really broke a sweat out there, and I know that’s hard for you to do. Sorry again about the ankle injury; I guess that “housework” got a little out of hand. Nice throw to Randy today… speaking of Randy, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow… Anyways, I was wondering where you wanted to go after we win the Super Bowl. Any suggestions? Oh, and make sure you look good when you accept your MVP award; we don’t want any negativity to be cast upon our organization. Speaking of which, I have a few tapes of plays the Giants defense has used before, so make sure you check them out later. I anxiously count the minutes until our paths will cross again. —Billy Email Sent At 11:22 AM, 1/31/08 From: To: Subject: Re: Post-Super Bowl Plans Bill, Look, I have really enjoyed the last few years with you, but I’m starting to feel like you’ve been treating me like trash. Just yesterday I heard from Wes that you’re planning on wearing that red sweatshirt, even though I hand-knitted that gold one for you last Christmas. Do you realize how long it took me to collecting strands of my beautiful hair in order to weave the fabric? Not to mention you’re always are telling me what plays to do and all that. Peyton gets to call his own plays, Eli probably will too once he reaches puberty… look, you have to stop trying to be the dominant one in this relationship. Also, I think Gisele is starting to get a little suspicious. She said that she couldn’t understand why I always have to meet with you. She keeps telling me to “score those grand slams on my own.” No matter how hard I try, I just cannot make her understand the difference between baseball and football. Anyways, as far as after the game, I’m planning on going to Disney World… I figure since I promised it back in 2002, I might as well finally go. See you tomorrow. Sincerely, Tom Email Sent At 3:47 AM, 2/4/08 From: To: Subject: The Loss Hey Tom, Didn’t get a chance to see you after the press conferences. Look, I’m really sorry I wore that red sweatshirt. I can tell it sort of threw you off today. I don’t really know why we lost—the Giants were throwing all these plays at us that we hadn’t seen on film, plus we didn’t have Adam Vinateri, who probably could have kicked a 90-yard field goal at the end to tie the game. Now I’m just here alone with my thoughts and a bottle of Remy Martin. Call me soon. Love, Billy Email Sent At 4:11 AM, 2/4/08 From: To: Subject: It’s Over Look Bill, I can’t keep doing this. Seeing you wearing that red sweatshirt broke my heart more than the loss did. In fact, it was probably the second most hurtful experience of the night, behind another Manning brother getting a freaking ring. I’m sorry. What I’m trying to say is that I had to take sewing classes to weave that sweatshirt, you heartless dog! It’s not me, Bill, it’s you. I hope we can remain professional. Bye, Tom P.S. Fourth and thirteen, Bill? Really? Email Sent At 6:52 PM, 2/14/08 From: To: Subject: Valentine’s Day Wishes Tom, I need you to know that I really miss you Tom. I miss your beautiful teeth, as white as a yard line; your dimples, as pretty as a Super Bowl ring. I need you so badly. Weeks ago I had planned a wonderful day for us, and since Capitan Ricardo’s Love Shack doesn’t offer refunds, I wasted $13,000 on a day that I did not even get to experience with you. Please call me, Tom. You know the number. —Bill