The Eighth Page

Patriots Blame Loss On Belichick’s Ugly Red Sweatshirt

In what many have called the biggest upset in football history, Super Bowl XLII not only ended the New England Patriots’ hopes for a perfect season, but also Head Coach Bill Belichick’s aspirations to become a football fashionista. The Patriots organization has attributed the team’s loss to the bright red sweatshirt worn by Belichick ’71. Deviating from his usual gray Patriots sweatshirt with ripped-off sleeves, Belichick opted to sport a saucy little number for last week’s Super Bowl—a red hooded sweatshirt emblazoned with the Patriots logo. While a few housewives approved of the wardrobe change, a majority of Patriots fans felt strongly toward it, blaming the Patriots’ loss on the sudden change in clothing. “He just looked ridiculous!” said die-hard Patriots fan Billy McDougal ’10. “It was no wonder they lost the Super Bowl. You didn’t see Giants’ coach Tom Coughlin wearing any stupid bright colors. What was Belichick thinking? Was this really the right night to change things up? I mean, as angry as I am, he brought it upon himself. ” Even most Patriots players seem to agree with their fans. Wide receiver Randy Moss was very vocal about the whole matter. “Sure, I dropped a few passes,” said Moss. “But that does not excuse Coach’s complete disregard for the rules of fashion. You just don’t wear bright red with a black headset. I’m pretty sure that’s like the #1 rule in the fashion handbook.” Moss’s teammates shared similar feelings pertaining to Coach Belichick’s choice of attire for Super Bowl XLII. “That thing he was wearing—it was just too gosh darn bright,” said quarterback Tom Brady at a press conference. “Nothing else was really different. You know, everything was just standard procedure. I’d be dropping back to pass and then I’d look over to the sidelines to throw—Bam! Bright red sweatshirt! It just blinded me. Don’t blame me for the five sacks. It was blatantly Coach’s fault. How the heck does he expect me to complete passes when he looks like a freaking fire truck?” Contrary to popular belief, Belichick himself did not plan on wearing the sweatshirt. Rather, he was forced to due to a complication with his laundry. “It was all just a miscommunication,” said Belichick. “You see, I had asked my ex-wife, Debby, to take my sweatshirts to the laundromat. And Debby, being the devil-woman she is, took all my lucky gray ones with the sleeves ripped off. All that was left was the stupid red one. I didn’t want to be cold. Don’t blame me. Blame Debby.” Labeled as the one of many Super Bowl “wardrobe malfunctions,” Belichick’s sweatshirt made history as being the sole cause of the Patriots’ big loss last Sunday. The red sweatshirt will follow in the footsteps of Janet Jackson’s bra faux pas, Joe Montana’s left sock and Brett Favre’s infamous jockstrap.