Uncommons was packed. There was a tension in the air that you could cut with a knife. The eyes of every student in the room were glued to Mrs. Chase, as she rode down a zip line to announce Head of School Day. Suddenly, everything went south. This past Monday, Head of School Barbara Chase chose an unorthodox method of announcing the day off, entering Uncommons via a zip line from ceiling. She wielded her famous blue field hockey stick and smiled as she quickly descended into the dining hall. Yet less than a few seconds after her initial descent, Chase’s zip line snapped and sent her careening toward the stone floor. In a dire moment of crisis, students clenched their fists as Chase suddenly sprouted wings and took to the skies, landing safely on the ground soon after. Feeling relieved, the crowd of students happily joined in celebration. “I don’t think anyone saw it coming,” said Uncommons worker Javier in an interview a day after the incident. “We were all so excited and the kids were running and jumping and screaming,” he said. “Next thing you know, there’s a loud snap, and it looks like she’s going to fall. We’re all watching itently, hoping that someone would catch her, when all of a sudden, she goes and sprouts a pair of freaking wings!” Though the fall came as a surprise to most students, the appearance of angelic wings on Chase’s back shocked everyone. “I was so happy when she came in that I started kicking one of my friends,” said Billy Nottingham ’09. “It wasn’t until the zip line broke and I heard Mrs. Chase’s flapping wings that I realized what had happened, looked around, got my bearings and saw that my friend was bleeding from his kidney.” Such celebratory acts as kicking kidneys were not uncommon Monday night. In fact, about three out of every ten students in Uncommons at the time of the announcement left the building with ailments ranging from black eyes to class III intercerebral hemorrhages. “I was just too excited,” said Frank Hayes ’11, “I couldn’t stop stabbing my prefect in the chest. I’m sorry. I really am.” “She’s lucky to be alive,” reported School Physician Richard Keller, “You don’t see too many zip line snaps, not to mention how rare it is for a woman to grow wings in a mid-air freefall. But there you go. She’s the Head of School for a reason. Now that’s what I call stick-to-it-iveness!’” An English teacher attempted to express the beauty of the day’s proceedings. “Her descent was like that of a brick thrown off a tall building—a brick that can fly, that is. She was surprised at first, but regained composure almost immediately. It was very impressive. It’s a good thing she can fly.” But Chase won’t be flying much anytime soon. Isham nurses have advised her to remain among the ground-dwellers for the next six to eight weeks. During this time, Chase will have to continue her fundraising endeavors on land. As for the cause behind the mysterious wing-sprouting, many have simply chosen to ignore it and simply be thankful that it happened. “Oh, I don’t think it was that weird,” said Billy Jenkins ’09. “I mean, I’ve seen weirder. Like this one time, I was drinking from this glass of water and then I went to go make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Pretty ordinary, right? Well, that’s not the wierd part. When I came back, the glass of water was gone. It had vanished into thin air! Just like that.” Zippy McZipZap Inc., the distributor of the type of zip line Chase used, declined to comment. Instead, the company sent 30 complimentary zip lines, which will be introduced into gym classes immediately.
