In a surprising political move out of Washington D.C., former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton has decided to run for president of the Phillips Academy student body. Scouring the Andover Constitution, Clinton, a 27-year-old, seems to have found a loophole that allows any and all to run for the position. Clinton has already managed to step on a few toes. “She sent out mass emails and put posters up in a non poster designated area,” said Tantum Collins ’08, current student body president. “She’s out of control.” With a campaign budget of nearly four million dollars, Clinton’s smear campaigns have been ruthless and indiscriminate. During the Super Bowl last week, many students were shocked to find a Clinton advertisement calling out the puppy- killing tendencies of Timothy Tidwell, a presidential hopeful. “It was disgusting,” commented one shocked student this past Monday morning. “There was a picture of Tim, then a picture of a dead puppy, then a picture of Tim smiling, and then a thing that said ‘Vote Clinton ’08.’ I was confused and utterly disgusted.” A number of students have become quite vocal about Clinton’s attempt. “It’s just not right,” said Harry Burmfurd ’11. “Isn’t she, like, 27 or something? Does she even go to this school? No, there is absolutely no way I’m voting for her—I can’t; I’d be a traitor to my own school. My prefect would give me restriction.” As much as it hurts to vote for an outsider, many students are finding it impossible to choose a 10 percent discount at Thai Sweet Basil on Sundays over free mopeds for everyone (Clinton’s proposal). And while Andover historians are scrambling to find a way to prevent Clinton from running, it appears now as if her election is a mere formality. Clinton was unavailable for comment, but Jon Adler ’08, current student body vice-president, put an interesting spin on this bizarre occasion. “Does anyone have her number?” asked Adler, amidst gasps of intrigue and scandal. “What? I find power sexy.”
