Hey guys! My name is B.J. Garry, a two-year lower from North Hampton, NH and a resident of a cardboard box somewhere on Salem Street. Just a little bit about myself: I enjoy long horseback rides on the beach and snuggling with that special someone. Some of my hobbies include playing the kazoo, making fun of the Arts section and collecting stamps. My favorite television show is “The View,” and sometimes I emphasize random, unimportant points in my writing for no particular reason. Anyhow, I would absolutely love to be your student body president! Here are a few of the big issues I would address if I were elected. Post Sign-In Delivery As new student body president, I would collaborate with the administration to allow students to order delivery past sign in. Because what better way to feel like you’ve hit rock bottom than sobbing uncontrollably while getting your Golden Chopsticks in just your underpants at 3:30 a.m.? I guess what I’m trying to say is this: don’t make the same mistakes as I did. I’ve been there. Winter Term As a never-ending, hellish death pit of sadness, Winter Term provides many obstacles and challenges for everyone here at Andover. More people get sick, our morale is low, and my idea to not do homework in hopes that the next day will be Head of School Day has proven to be detrimental for my GPA. So, as yet another unrealistic initiative in my campaign that I will talk about endlessly but never actually do anything about if I become president, I will organize a Philo Forum with God to discuss the prospect of giving us more sunlight and warmer temperatures to make it feel more like springtime. Bandwidth If elected, I will push to abolish the bandwidth policy once and for all. The system itself is flawed and outdated, and I should have the freedom to spend all of my free time on YouTube watching Japanese game shows, R. Kelly music videos and clips of waterskiing squirrels. Improvements to Underwood Room I think the Underwood Room has served as a great replacement for the Ryley Room. Besides Underwood’s lack of nocturnal animals and a distinct smell of dead things, the two student hangouts have proven to be quite similar. However, I think there can be a few substantial improvements made to “The Big Woody” that would make it a better student hangout. As student body president, I would petition to have any combination of anything T-Pain to be played at an obnoxiously high volume, 24/7. Why should these songs only be blasted over and over and over again on Friday nights and at dances? I think that we should play these songs all the time. Foxcroft residents: you’ll thank me later.
