The Eighth Page

Zoltar’s First Day

A little green Martian with big, droopy, oval-shaped eyes slowly walks up to the Martian secretary’s desk. His footsteps echo throughout the circular hall and visible beads of sweat begin to drip from his neck pores. The secretary’s perfume reeks of Knoffpou droppings, but the Martian man does not seem to mind as he clears his throat to prepare to speak. Zoltar: Excuse me, ma’am, but I’ve just been promoted to the Alien Abductions Department? Secretary: Go right on through, dear. Zoltar enters the office to be greeted by an obese spectacle-wearing Martian man who reminds him of his Aunt Gertrude Zoltar: Pardon me, but allow me to introduce myself. My name is Zol— Gonzo: Awww, shut up, man. O’ course I know what ‘cher name is. Zoltar! Like the tapeworm! You’re the new guy in town, right? Zoltar: Uhh… yes, sir. That’s me, sir. Gonzo: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve just got in an assignment in Sector W. ‘Dat ‘dere is de fine thing we like to call Earth. You feel like wrasslin’ some Earth cattle today? Zoltar: I would love to, sir, I really would. But seeing as it is my first day, I don’t really know if I’m ready. Gonzo: You learn by doin’, Zoltar. That’s how we roll in AA. Zoltar: Maybe I should try living on the wild side for a change. Gonzo: ‘Attaboy! On Earth. Zoltar and Gonzo are camped out in Gonzo’s ’76 Chevy Camar-UFO Gonzo: And now we play the waiting game… An awkward Martian silence ensues. Gonzo: Hey, Zoltar, have you ever canoodled with one of ‘demVenusians? I hear they’re fantastic in the spacebed. Zoltar: Is this conversation appropriate for the workplace? Gonzo: Oh, lighten up, Zoldy. Look, here comes one of the humanoids now. Zoltar: How intriguing! You know, I’ve never seen a humanoid up close before. Gonzo: We’ll you’re gonna have your chance real soon, pal. Gonzo engages the tractor beam and the humanoid is placed on the autopsy table (an old pizza box). Gonzo: He’s all yours, newbie! Dig right on in! Zoltar: You’re joshing me, right? Gonzo: Of course I ain’t. Do I look like this “Josh” fellow to you? Zoltar: You can’t possibly want me to stick this metal rod… using my hands… down there… Gonzo: C’mon, now, Zolty-boy! You gotta get you’re hands dirty sometime. Might as well be on your first day! Zoltar: Oh, why does nothing ever go right for Zoltar??? —