The Eighth Page

The Truth Behind Area 51

When one signs up to work for Area 51, he takes an oath. Think of it like a magician’s pact: when someone breaks it, everyone is instantly intrigued. (After all, how in the world did he find that quarter from behind my ear? It’s insanity, I tell you, insanity!) The following are brief excerpts from my diary while working at Area 51 over the course of eight years. In its pages lie the vast and previously thought impossible secrets of the famed hidden government hideout. Quick note: Contrary to popular belief, the government is not hiding any aliens here. In my enitre career as an Area 51 employee, I have yet to see a single alien. Oh wait, that’s a lie. Dave came to the annual costume party as an alien once. That Dave and his crazy antics. You never know what he’ll do next. They’re all like that in marketing, I guess.? December 27, 2006 Hey, you wanna talk about one crazy office Christmas party? Someone mixed the Sprite and the Coke, and they called it Sproke! The lunacy! Everyone had to make their own party hats and I drew little presents and candy canes on mine. I was on so much of a sugar rush from the Sproke that I hardly even remember winning second prize in the party hat contest. That darned Janine from accounting, she won first prize and the right to wear jeans to work tomorrow. I suppose my beautiful faded denims are gonna have to stay in that musty closet for another long year. January 12, 2007 It was casual Friday today, and I’m just minding my own business, you know, being casual (a tie with colorful frogs on it) when the coffee baron struck again. He empties the pot and doesn’t refill it. What kind of madman would stoop to such a level? I feel as if order is being lost every second this fiend is allowed to continue in “The Area.” I bet it’s Tom—that guy made fun of my tie and my hip/retro horn-rimmed glasses. March 21, 2007 Every Tuesday we patrol the internet and search for the latest conspiracy theories. It’s funny to see what people think really goes on here. Most Tuesdays we get the usual trash–aliens… experimental testing… secret government projects… I feel like if anyone knew the truth (we make novelty plush toys) they wouldn’t believe it. However, today we got a new one. Apparently, the Muppets are alien life forms, and we’re keeping the whole story bottled up so that the masses will continue to think Kermit is still the man. Yeah, definitely, that’s what’s going on here. We still get plenty of excitement though. June 13, 2007 I don’t know if this counts as paranormal activity, but today, the water cooler sure was acting weird. I think the current theory is that the water guy got mixed up when he was changing the jugs and now the blue lever dispenses hot water. Frankly, this is not acceptable. Everyone knows blue means cold! Greg burned his tongue.?Oh, and that reminds me. I have a question for the so-called vending machine re-stocker. Who likes Almond Joys? Baby Ruth bars? PayDays? I work 40 hours a week in a non-corner office and all I want at the end of my day is a simple Milky Way, maybe even a Twix. But you can’t have that now, can you, mister re-stocker? You have to systematically whittle down my array of options until all that’s left is a bag of Fritos and a Take-5 bar. That’s all right, though. Whenever I see you looking all smug with your crates of stale Doritos, I just remind myself that I’m the other man in your marriage. September 2, 2007 Screw this place. I have been busting my hump at this here crapshack for as long as I can remember. And now they go and give the promotion to Tom? Of all people, it had to be Tom. They told me that I wasn’t imaginative enough! Me, a lack of imagination! It was my idea to stuff the plush toys with arsenic pellets! That was unfiltered genius! Let’s see Tom come up with an idea more imaginative than a dress-up Kevin Bacon doll. Ah, forget it… I’m putting in my two weeks notice.