The Eighth Page

For the Ladies

CHOOSING A wrong choice during the date selection process could mean a disasterous evening. When choosing a guy, keep the following in mind: it is always a good idea to steal your potential date’s iPod. Check out his music. If he listens to anything country, classical, opera or Justin Timberlake, be sure to steer clear. Anything techno, gangsta rap from the hood, or U2 shows that the guy has good tastes. ASKING Once you have selected the boy toy of your choice, you must perform the necessary mating rituatl to attract the male—namely, the “Soulja Boy” dance. FLOWERS Guys expect flowers, too. Straight up, we’re tired of waiting in those lines at “Kabloom!” just to buy you some combination of flowers that you look at and quickly gag. Guys hate spending 20 bucks on something that will wilt and die in three days. So, you pick out the flowers, you buy them, you give them to your date. We will cherish them. Unlike you, who will throw them out about 13 seconds after you get back to your dorm. Not only will guys put them in water, but we will also smell them every day to remind us of the magical night that we spent together. CLOTHING Don’t get your hopes up about wanting your date to wear anything formal. Personally, we prefer the tuxedo shirt and black jeans combo. It’s a party, man. Woman. We mean, you can’t expect us to wear “sport coats” and “khakis”—just not our style. You said yes to us, so now we will do whatever we want. ARRIVAL You need to choose a place to meet before the dance. ‘Cuz as guys, we’re really not about that. For future reference, it’s good to get to the dance about four hours or so after it has started. If you pressure your date to go at the exact starting time, you are a desperate loser who lacks friends or any other forms of social contact and you probably are going to the dance dateless. Just warning you, of course. Don’t be that girl. DANCING We want you to dance with us like you did in middle school. We hate this “grinding” stuff. We need to leave some room for Jesus. Oh, and if they finally play some good music at these dances, such as “Twist and Shout,” maybe we could stop violating one another. During the slow songs, we must be at least one Dr. Seuss book apart. Anything more than that and we begin to perspire profusely. Trust me, you don’t want that. Especially since that tuxedo shirt has not been washed since 1984 and doesn’t smell too good when drenched in sweat, especially bear sweat. FOOD You don’t want to be hungry during the dance. Grab a cheeseburger at the Ryley Roller. And hey, if you want to ditch your date, it’s cool.