Recently, the Features Team made a remarkable discovery: Canadian bacon and ham are the same thing. Oh, and we’re not alone in this universe. Extraterrestrial life does indeed exist. They walk among us. They breathe our air. They drink our water. They drive drunk on our roads. They’re here. This is a Features Alien Invasion. E.T. Age: Thirteen (missed Bar Mitzvah while vacationing on Earth) Home Planet: Home. Yes, it is actually named “Home.” Catch Phrase: “E.T….call collect?” Political Affiliation: Liberalien Favorite hobbies: Phoning home, drinking excessively, riding bicycles, riding bicycles while flying and pointing at things. Likes: Small children, Steven Spielberg and Reese’s Pieces Dislikes: Bright lights and the sound of nails against a chalkboard Occupation: Professional Hobo Jar Jar Binks Age: Why would meesa tell yousa that? Ha, silly humans. Home Planet: Naboo. Meesa like it there very much. Looking for: Meesa mother. She been gone a very long time. Catchphrase: “Meesa gonna eat yousa childrens!” Likes: Meesa likes the Amidala Princess girl. Sheesa nice. Meesa likes being animated, especially eena Episode Fours (meesa wasn’t, like, in any of the others… much… jerks). Dislikes: Meesa hates Donald Trumps. Heesa fires people too much. Meesa no likes hims. Also, meesa no likes winters. Meesa too colds! Meesa alien nipples getsa harder than Darth Vader’s helmet in Episodes Four. Yousa no know whats thats like, but meesa do. Occupation: Meesa was on Galactic Senate. Stupid people who let me do thats. Meesa no good. Now meesa famous actor. Yousa know me, meesa thinks. Meesa Jar Jar Binks! Yousa don’t knows meesa? Yousa stupid! Meesa hate you. Shut ups. Deepest Desires: Wassa that mean? Desires? Meesa likes feets. Feets is funny. So meesa likes them. Meesa one day will buy meesa own pod racer. Meesa will race with Little Ani. Oh! Master Ani! If yousa out there, meesa still have yousa jeans. Yousa left them in meesa bachelor’s pad last weekends. Yousa can comes pick thems up any times, Master Ani. Any times. Favorite Movie: Meesa very much likes Forrest Gumps. Heesa remind me of meesa. Maybe somedays meesa will be like Forrest Gumps and travel acrossa the United States. Then meesa tell meesa story on televisions and yousa all love meesa. Somedays. Then meesa will makes sweet revenges on Meestah George Lucas. Meesa never forget. Kang and Kodos (From The Simpsons) Age: 4.2 Ultramagnum Years Home Planet: Rigel VII Religious Affiliation: Hinduism Favorite things: Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Oh yeah, and body-snatching. Yeah, we’re those kinds of aliens. Don’t judge us. I mean, if you had the ability to body-snatch, you totally would too. You know, you’d want to switch with that cute girl next door. You know who we’re talking about now. Whatsherface. Shelley? Oh yeah. Totally. Shellayyyy!!! Occupation: Part-time actors for the Simpsons—we refuse to be binded by a full-time contract. We need our summer months for the Zorgo Olympics on Nebula Nine. We’re underdogs now, but we hope that the public will eventually warm up to us. Personal description: We’re hot, slimy and lookin’ for love. Please do not respond to this personal if you aren’t a female character of the Simpsons universe. Except for Hillary Clinton. We have this thing for women with power. It’s inexplicable. Looking for: World Domination
