The Eighth Page

How to Lose a Girl in 10 Seconds

Not long ago, there was this movie called “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” At least, that’s what I think it was called. I didn’t go see it or anything… I’ve just heard things about it. Anyways, I’ve taken the liberty to create a simpler guide—this time from a man’s point of view. Guys, if you’ve made the mistake of letting yourself get into a committed relationship, you definitely should follow my advice. Any of the following actions will cause you to lose your girlfriend in ten seconds or less, guaranteed. A conversation about physical appearance is an easy way to end any relationship. Here’s how one might play out: Girl: Tell me I’m beautiful… Guy: You’re as beautiful as the sky—so huge and expansive that no one can ever see all of you at a given time. In just about every movie, there is usually some stupid comment about someone’s eyes. If you run into a situation like this, you could respond with something like this: Girl: Don’t you just love the color of my eyes? Guy: Yeah, well, um… about that… It’s kind of hard to focus on your eyes with that giant mole sitting there on your forehead. I feel like it wants to attack me. We all know there is more to someone than his or her appearance. Personality is a key aspect in any relationship. If your intention is to lose a girl, then this line shall not fail you: Girl: Blah blah blah blah… Guy: Gosh, your personality… It’s really something… You’re about as interesting as a bowlful of scabs. When going on a dinner date, it is important to take a girl to the right place: Girl: Why are we eating here? Guy: It has everything you wanted. Girl: Does it? Guy: Why of course, it’s foreign, it tastes great, and it won’t cost a fortune…Viva la Taco Bell! By the way, I’m like out of money, wanna cover this for me? If at this point, your girlfriend hasn’t understood that you are a total buffoon, then this is the ultimate way to lose a girl in 10 seconds. If she doesn’t leave you willingly, then her parents will make her. Just come across as a total loser who doesn’t know anything: Mom and Dad: So what is your name? Guy: Hidalgo Jose-Rodney Gonzalez Harrison. Mom and Dad: What kind of name is Rodney? Sounds like something a bunch of truck drivers would come up with. So what do you like to do? Guy: Well, when I’m not sleeping, eating or using the bathroom, I pwn mad n00bs in Halo. And that’s the originial version—Halo 3 is for sellouts. Mom and Dad: So what do you think of our daughter? Guy: She’s mad hot…. Know what I’m sayin? Mom and Dad: You’ve got quite some nerve… Guy: Eeeeasy, gramps. Mom and Dad: That’s it! Get out! There is no way you are dating our daughter! [Editors’ Note: In Prawdzik’s world, all mothers and fathers speak in unison.]