Dear Diary, Today was just terrible. I don’t know what these “fairy godmothers” have against me, but they need to chill out. The one night I needed to hijack a magic pumpkin carriage to get downtown just happened to be the same night some crazy flying fairy chose to barrel down on me with her wand. By the way, I’ve got the Gingerbread Man ready for dessert tonight. Nobody can catch you, Gingy? Yeah? Tell that to the guys at Blackwater, doughboy! January 12, 2008 Dear Diary, I am writing this entry using the blood of three little pigs as my ink. I didn’t mean to do them any harm at first, but they were just so… helpless! I couldn’t resist. I mean, a house of sticks? Who does that? That’s just ridiculous. Speaking of maidens in towers, which is also ridiculous, I hate that Rapunzel chick more than I hate Little Red. She is the most annoying thing to ever sit in a tower for a long time. Get this: I’m walking along, minding my own business, with two dead pigs in my backpack. Well, this she-devil saw the trail of blood behind me and called the cops. They were on my trail before you could say “happily ever after.” January 21, 2008 Dear Diary, I’ve been hiding from the po-po now for a week or so, but I go out occasionaly. And according to way too many women, my eyes, paws, claws and teeth are too big. So I’m getting some reductions done tomorrow. You know, just in the most significant places. I mean, I can’t go on like this! Just look what happened when I tried to dress up and role-play with Little Red’s grandma—she went crazy! So I ate her. Also, that Prince Charming fellow is starting to get on my nerves. Now, I’ve never been the most outgoing of guys, but it just angers me when some moron goes and steals all the women from every fairytale land ever! This so-called “prince,” if that even is his real name, is a total jerk. February 2, 2008 Dear Diary, “Shrek the Third” just turned my world upside down. I saw it for the first time on DVD two days ago, and let me tell you, I have never been so moved by a green ogre. Except for that one time in Vegas, but, well, we all have our regrets…
