Aries: I’m sorry to say you got a 3 on that math test – the one you were “studying” for all week. But look on the bright side, that rash that’s been spreading will go away before things start to get really nasty. Taurus: Leadership. Imagination. Change. Determination. Integrity. Perseverance. Teamwork. Dedication. All of these aspects of life are yours for the taking. Just buy the 8” x 11” prints. Inspirational pictures sold separately. Gemini: You will get a phone call from a woman with a creepy voice saying, “Seven days…” Luckily it’ll just be the librarian telling you how long Baby Geniuses 2 has been overdue. Cancer: Keep an extra pair of underwear on you, or you’ll face nicknames like “Waterworks” or “The Urinator” for your last few years at PA. Leo: I can’t see your future… too much blood. Virgo: Try not to talk so much. I can barely hear myself think with you guys around. Libra: That suitcase you found full of money was there for a reason. Where am I gonna find another 30 grand? Scorpio: If a man comes up to you and starts ranting on his huge flying car idea, and asks for you to invest, you give him all you got. Amazing what the stock market can do. Sagittarius: Why would you wear that shirt with those pants. Didn’t your parents tell you that stripes don’t go with plaid? I thought you were better than that. Aquarius: Stay as far away from Dunkin Donuts as you can. Their slogan is “America runs on Dunkin,” but if you have anything from there, your slogan will be “Aquarius runs to the bathroom.” Capricorn: Try to expand your vocabulary this month, so people think you’re smarter then you actually are. Start with words like “wisterpooper,” (a slap alongside the head,) or “aglet,” (the plastic covering at the end of shoelaces.) It shouldn’t be hard to work your way up from there. Pisces: Stop putting yourself down in public. We all know you’re a less-than-mediocre person, and we don’t need to hear you complain about it.
