“There were originally eight dwarfs. They decided to cut me out of the motion picture at the last minute due to creative differences.” — Commie “I’ve been told that my parents were going through somewhat of a ‘troubled’ phase in their relationship when they named me. Talk about some crazy parents, eh? And look at me now–534 years old and still as infertile as ever. Life is unfair that way.” —Rumpelstiltskin “Goldilocks’ severed head on my dinner plate was neither too hot nor too cold… in fact, one could say that it was juuuust right.” —Papa Bear “What did he expect? For me to really just let him climb up my hair? I mean, c’mon! That’s just impractical. What did he even plan on doing once he got up to the tower? A lot of good that would have done. Not to mention how much it was going to hurt my freakin’scalp.” —Rapunzel “At first, everything was relatively pleasant. The home’s aroma was enticing, and the furniture was aesthetically pleasing. But then the first rains started coming down. In retrospect, gumdrop rain gutters didn’t make sense.” —The Witch from Hansel and Gretel “I can’t believe that stupid princess bought that ‘If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a prince’ bit. What an idiot. The only thing I’ll turn into is a successful herpes transmitter.” – The Frog
