Recently, there was a lecture on campus about how to handle the cold New England winters. Not surprisingly, stupid kids asked me some stupid questions a few months ago much like those asked by students at this school, and I answered them thusly: What is Cold? Cold rhymes with gold. But unlike gold, cold cannot be used to make collectible coins. Cold is a natural phenomenon where the temperature drops below a certain mark and you think to yourself, “Wow, it’s cold.” I asked a local specialist on cold, Dr. Coldberg, what exactly cold is. While evading the question in a trademark Dr. Coldberg rant, he did tell me that in the good old days, cold was measured in WT’s, or in scientific terms, Witch Teats. Most modern scientists agree that one Witch Teat is equivalent to two degrees Celsius. This term is derived from the common phrase “Cold as a witch’s teat.” When temperatures reach below four WT’s, the normal human begins to layer. Layering is the act of putting on more clothing than normal. For men, this clothing often includes a jacket, sweatshirt, jeans, boots or sneakers. For the ladies–whatever looks “cute” that day. What is a zipper? Now I will explain to you what a zipper is, as I have seen very few of these utilized on this campus. Contrary to popular belief, a zipper is not a stripper, dipper, nor a friend of Jack the Ripper, or even a toenail clipper. It is a device made of plastic and/or metal. There are two parts, the daddy and the mommy part. You put the daddy part into the mommy part and pull up on the mommy part and you will see the clasps begin to close. Don’t stop zipping until you get to your desired height. The higher up you zip, the warmer you will become. If your jacket has Velcro instead of a zipper, you are in luck! Velcro, unlike…um…well, it’s a much easier process. All you need to do with Velcro is put the two sides together and pinch and make sure they stick. Although outdated, buttons also sometimes exist on jackets. But if you wear buttons, I will never talk to you again. What happens if I get cold? The simplest solution to being cold is to stop being cold. However, this is boring and esoteric. There are many heated facilities on campus, including the library, Uncommons, G.W., and my arms. Another relatively simple solution to this dilemma is putting on more layers. If you get cold with your jacket on, try putting a sweatshirt on under it. If this does not work, throw on an extra T-shirt or hold me tight and never let go. If your legs are cold, it is recommended that you invest in a pair of long johns. These can be found at Athletes Corner and are made by Under Armor (so you can be sporty), or by various other clothing companies. Now, if your feet get cold, don’t panic. Begin by making sure that you are not wearing flip flops. This is a common mistake made by Andover students. Next, once you have picked out some sort of closed-toe shoe, put on some socks and then the shoes. For girls who do not own shoes that can be worn with socks: I strongly advise investing in a pair of Uggs. While many believe the Ugg industry is merely supporting the inhumane slaughter of the wild Ugg, I believe those people are full of droppings – Ugg droppings.
