The Eighth Page

Best of 2007

As I spent winter break watching “I Love New York 2” marathons and eating Duncan Hines cake frosting on my couch, I thought about this past year and how awesome it was. Besides producing brilliant works of cinema like Bratz: The Movie and Daddy Day Camp, 2007 served us pretty well in news, sports and most importantly, entertainment. Here are a few examples: Bob Barker Bob Barker, or that guy who always told you to neuter your cats on TV, retired as the host of the popular game show “The Price Is Right” on June 15. Although he was largely unavailable for comment after the taping of his final episode, Barker said to fellow old person Larry King, “You know, you can only hug so many crazy old women and laugh at so many personalized t-shirts with your face on them before you snap and start killing people. Luckily, I got out just in time.” The New England Patriots The New England Patriots became the first team ever to finish a season 16-0 by beating whoever that last team was on December 29. At the post-game press conference, Coach Bill Belichick said he was happy to beat Victim #16, but he emphasized his belief of not enjoying victories and looking ahead to the next week’s opponent. When someone informed him that the Patriots would not face an opponent in the playoffs for another two weeks, he replied that during the next week, the Patriots would prepare to play the entire country of Russia in an exhibition match-up in Moscow. Presidential Campaigns This year, candidates began campaigning in Iowa and New Hampshire, visiting countless Waffle Houses and hunting lodges to score some down-home, good ol’ votes. A recent survey was taken among all the presidential candidates about their experiences campaigning in these states. Some responses included “Are we sure that people actually live here?”, “It’s really hard to milk a cow and smile at a crowd at the same time,” and “I don’t think it’s normal for a man to be married to his cousin, but I’m pretty sure that was something that I saw.” Gubernatorial Elections Three states, Kentucky, Louisiana and Mississippi, held elections for governor this past year. The races in Kentucky and Mississippi were tight, but in a landslide victory, state-wide celebrity Wiggles the Cow was elected to lead Louisiana. The Spears Family Britney Spears pulled a Howie Mandel on us all on February 17 when she shaved her head. Then, on December 18, Britney’s 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, announced to OK! Magazine that she was pregnant. In lesser known news regarding the Spears family, the Spears Day Care facility was recently condemned by the state of Louisiana. The Department of Public Services released a brief report regarding the reasons surrounding the shutdown. It states, “The Spears family has clearly shown an inability to raise children normally; allowing them to care for other people’s children is depraved and wrong on so many levels.”