The Eighth Page

Prefect Problems

The following are events that occurred involving Tim, the world’s worst Prefect. Freshman: Did you hear what Tim did? Freshman #2: No, what now? Freshman: Well, I heard that he went to the Dean of Students and asked for collars to put on all the kids on restriction, so they’d get shocked if they left their room. Freshman #2: When he threatened to do that, I thought he was joking. (Tim kicks door open, turns on the lights, does a somersault, and stands up with his hand in the shape of a gun.) Tim: Hey! I thought I heard a girl, where is she? Hiding under the bed? In the closet? Did she jump out the window? Okay, okay, fine, there’s no girl. But, why are your lights on past eleven? I think I’ll have to give you restriction. Freshman: But Tim, you just turned them on. Tim: The rules are the rules, and your lights were on past eleven. That’s restriction for a week. Be in your room at eight tomorrow. Tim: Man, I remember when you got here, and it was like, “Tim, will you help me with this? Awe, thanks Tim. I love you, Tim.” Now, it’s just like, “Screw you Tim, I do what I want!” We were tight like Rocky and Bullwinkle, like Aladdin and that hot chick, like two Australian guys. We were mates. But now, we’re not tight. We’re loose like Subway Jared’s pants. Freshman: Oh come on, Tim. We’re still tight, I… I still love you. Tim: Don’t you trust me? What did I do? Freshman: Maybe it’s because you yell at me and beat me all the time. I would probably trust you more if I felt safe around you. Tim: What are you talking about? Freshman: Like when you turned off the lights in the common room and stabbed me with your dorm key. Look at the bruise! My belly button is purple! Girl #1: Hey, did you hear about one of the prefects in one of the guy’s dorms? Girl #2: Oh yeah! I heard he went around and farted on all their pillows and now they all have pink eye. Girl #1: No, I heard his uncle is like a crazy pothead and he cut off some guy’s toe. Girl #2: Oh yeah, well I guess the crazy gene must run in their family. Girl #1: Yeah… Apparently, his uncle mailed it to him, and now it’s hanging in their common room.