The Eighth Page

Wellness Week Suggestions

As I munched on a donut while watching “The Thin Line” on Tuesday evening, I was thinking about two things. First, who is this skinny lady who is yelling and doing crunches on stage? Second, who can we hire to speak for Wellness Week who won’t spontaneously begin doing core workouts in the middle of her show? Claudia the Addict Clown Addiction is a terrible and debilitating disease that effects millions of Americans. How do we show the dangers and depression of addiction to teens? With a happy colorful clown! Claudia was widely considered one of the greatest clowns in the early years of this decade. In fact, she won the prestigious Bonkers McGee Clown of the Year Award in 2001, barely edging out perennial powerhouse Ronald McDonald and sportscaster Tim McCarver. Although she performed mostly at children’s parties, she performed regularly in the Bush White House. In 2004, she began to feel the pressure of the clowning community, and she resorted to substance abuse as a solution to her problems. After an intoxicated performance at T-Pain’s twenty-first birthday party, she was checked into rehab and began a difficult two-year-long recovery. After she became clean in 2006, she decided to enter the motivational speaker circuit, and she has enjoyed moderate success performing at local elementary schools. Bringing her show “Fun Time With Claudia the Addict Clown” to PA would not only educate our students about the dangers of substance abuse and addiction, but it could also ensure the fact that no Andover graduate will ever become a clown. The Dynamic Duo of Flavor Flav and Mike Tyson Any motivational speaker or actor can come to Andover and tell us not to do drugs. However, if they really want us to stay off of drugs, Flavor Flav and Mike Tyson should come speak at our school. Both men serve as chilling reminders that drugs can do terrible things to people. For Mike Tyson, it was getting facial tattoos and speaking in jibberish. For Flavor Flav, it was looking like a massive talking raisin and dating a large man-like Scandinavian woman on a nationally televised reality show. If these two men come to PA to share their thoughts on drugs, I can personally guarantee that drug use and alcohol consumption on campus will plummet. MC Hammer’s Mo2vational Rapz 4 Kidz Have you ever wondered what happened to MC Hammer? Besides promoting his new line of parachute pants and being the subject of ridicule in the hip-hop community, he currently runs a program for youngsters called “Hammer’s Mo2vational Rapz 4 Kidz.” Hammer “spits hot fire” at numerous “young’uns” across the country, and although most of his “rapz” pertain to things like eating vegetables, not taking candy from strangers, and wearing excessively baggy and shiny pants, he could alter his routine to accommodate students here at PA. In fact, I recently discussed the prospect of coming here with Hammer, and he said that he could prepare some lyrical delights for us that are relevant to Andover. So far, he’s come up with such future hits as “Commons Food Tastes Better When You’re Not On Drugs,” “If You’re On Drugs, It’s More Likely You’ll Be Run Over by The Ryley Roller,” and, my personal favorite, “Features Is Way Better Than Arts (Especially When You’re Not On Drugs).” One word: Grammy.