Tuesday presented a scheduling dilemma for Exeter students as they debated whether to attend their classes or watch the SciFi channel’s annual Star Trek marathon. When teachers arrived for their morning classes on Tuesday, they were greeted by empty Harkness Tables. Nearly the entire student body cut class to enjoy the Star Trek marathon in their dorms. “It was English class vs. Kahless the Unforgettable and the entire Klingon race,” Tim Morgan ’08 said. “The choice was Qo’Bos. That means ‘easy’ in Klingon,” Morgan said. When asked if his girlfriend was available for comment, Morgan began crying. Stephanie Ingber ’09 awoke at five thirty in the morning to catch the beginning of the marathon. “I was in the common room with six other girls watching a classic episode. The Cardassians were having internal issues and only Uhura, the communications officer, could quell their anger,” she said excitedly, puffing an inhaler to regain composure. Administrators are worried about this seemingly innocent activity. Ed Banks, a member of the Faculty Committee, shared his concerns in an interview. “It sounds like it’s all fun and games, but I know what kids do when they watch these shows. Each time a character comes on screen, say Spock, for example, they all take a shot of tequila or something. It’s awful. I did it in college all the time. And I still do it when I watch ‘The Hills.’ I won’t allow that here at Exeter,” he said. Ingber denied Banks’ claims and shared her dorm’s unique Star Trek marathon rituals. “What we like to do,” she said, “is switch orthodontic retainers every time Worf clenches his fists.” Michael O’Reilly, a history instructor, also cut his classes to watch the marathon. “In hindsight, I probably should have just informed my class that we were having a free-cut. Whenever Star Trek is on, especially an episode with a Klingon female, I’ll cancel class. I tell my students that I’m at a department meeting or doing volunteer work,” he said. During their frequent free-cuts, Mr. O’Reilly’s students are unaware that he is, in fact, sitting at home in an intergalactic spandex suit purchased at a Concord Wal-Mart. Most faculty members, unlike Mr. O’Reilly, or as he prefers to be called, Captain O’Reilly, disapprove of the students’ behavior. “They can watch all the Star Wars they want, just not on my time,” said gym teacher Pattie Domiano. “E.T. and his spaceship are no substitute for a violent game of dogeball. I expect my students to be in class, in sweatpants, everyday,” she said. “Dodgeball builds character. Star Trek and Darth Vader? All that does is build a bigger wall between virginity and…getting some.”
