The Eighth Page

Starbucks Leaves Exeter, Baristas Claim ‘No One Cool Enough’ To Go There

Starbucks, the internationally popular coffee shop chain, has closed their Exeter, New Hampshire branch due to a distinct lack of customers with the required “level of coolness.” The coffee shop posted a closing notice last week, bringing delight to its employees. Branch Manager Gerald Pollack said, “Thank goodness I can move away from this awful village. Every day I would wake up, put on all black clothing, listen to alternative music, chain smoke, drink a no-whip-three-pump-skim-white-chocolate-mocha latte, congratulate myself for being so cool, and for what? To come serve a bunch of hillbillies wearing plaid and fanny-packs? I don’t think so.” Fellow employee Lucy McAllister agreed. “The invention of the rolling backpack really ushered in a new dark age for our shop. I would attempt to sashay across the floor and offer those nerds a free sample of new no-egg egg sandwich, but kept tripping over those ridiculous looking suitcases. Those dorks even started calculating the probability of whether or not I would fall.” “It’s okay,” McAllister added. “I spit in every one of their drinks. And I have herpes.” Due to objections from the deluded nerds at Exeter, Chairman of the Board of Directors of Starbucks Corporation Howard Schultz released a statement earlier this week. “We want our clients to be cutting edge,” Schultz wrote. “Reports from our Exeter branch detailed behavior such as snorting, arm-pit sniffing, and noise-picking and attire that included suspenders, knee-socks and knickers. Who still wears knickers? We had no choice but to shut it down. Now, excuse me, I must return to drinking my twice-strained-decaf-low-fat Americano and listening to Coldplay.” When asked about the snub from the Starbucks Corporation, Donny Lindquist ’09 said, “Whatever. I think that place gave me herpes.” Other students were considerably more upset. “Not cool enough? I honestly cannot think of where the Starbucks Corporation would come up with such a ridiculous accusation,” asserted Holly Colbrook ’08 as she polished her calculator. “We are totally tubular here at Exeter,” she said with two big thumbs up. Unfortunately for Ms. Colbrook the National Institute of Popular Slang (NIPS), lists the adjective “tubular” as decidedly uncool since the early 1950’s. When asked to comment, Principal Tyler Tingley said, “I do not understand the Starbucks’ reasons for their departure from Exeter,” as he strapped on his fanny pack and adjusted his knickers. Many Exeter students and faculty have begun to discuss what might fill the downtown vacancy left by Starbucks. “Perhaps we’ll finally get a science fiction memorabilia store. I don’t understand how we have survived this long without one,” said Instructor in English Patty McNeil. Other options include a “Battlestar Galactica”-themed eatery, a Sonic or a strip club. The latter option has received overwhelming support from both male faculty and students. No final decision has been made. When asked about future plans Pollack said, “The branch closing is well-timed because I recently decided that I was too cool even for this job. After four years, burning coffee and selling it for $5.75 a cup got boring. I’m looking for a job in club promotion, retail, or NASCAR racing.” McAllister added, “I’ve already received offers from Abercrombie, Not Your Average Joe’s and Taco Bell. I don’t think my skills will be going to waste any time soon.” Starbucks officially closes next Friday. A decision on what to erect in its place will be passed down later this month.