Phelps Stadium, the long-time home to Exeter football, has been slated for destruction in order to create space for a brand new, state-of-the art Pokémon battle arena. The decision, made by Academy administrators last Tuesday, was a reaction to the school’s immediate need for such a facility. This need was expressed via a student-run petition signed by approximately 99.9% of the student body. “A Pokémon battle arena would be so rad!” said one student. “I mean, think about it. Real-life Pokémon fighting in real-life battles! One man’s Bulbasaur pitted against another man’s Squirtle—a bitter fight until the very end. But it’s important that everyone knows that it wouldn’t actually be a fight to the death. Remember, Pokémon don’t die. They can only faint. That’s what makes them so cool!” Freddy McHiggins ’08, current president and one of the original founders of Exeter’s Official Pokémon Trainers Club, was ecstatic upon hearing the news. “This new facility is the fruit of every single Exeter student’s loins—our brainchild, if you will. Most people don’t understand the struggles we had to go through to get this far. The countless hours of intensive training in Viridian Forest, the never-ending battles with Team Rocket—all of these things have surmounted and brought us to where we are today. We’ve been pulling for this since day 1, when we first swore on our Pokédexes to be loyal to Professor Oak. To see our dream finally realized is really Pokétastic!” The new battle arena will be designed to withstand the most powerful of Pokémon attacks, ranging all the way from a Charizard’s most powerful fire spin to a Dragonite’s legendary dragon rage move. The arena itself will meet standard Pokémon league dimensions and feature stadium seating of up to 4,000 pokéfans. “I’m more than convinced that this is the right move for the Academy,” said Head of School Tyler C. Tingley. “When you think about it, the decision was pretty easy to make. I mean, our football team hasn’t won in ages. Edward Harkness himself couldn’t find a way to teach our guys how to play that stupid sport. I’m not implying that our team is hopeless or anything like that. I just fail to see the point of supporting a losing team when we could use the money to accommodate a sport that truly exemplifies the ideals of an Exeter education.” Big Red athletes couldn’t be happier with the new plans for a Pokémon battle arena. Isaiah Avery ’09, a veteran trainer since the Red and Blue versions first came out, had much to say about his hopes for the new athletic complex. “I really hope they model the new battle arena after the one in the Pewter City gym. Seriously, how awesome was that gym? Remember that episode where Brock and Ash battled for the Boulder Badge? I’m thinking our battle area could have rocky terrain just like that. I bet it’d be really cool-looking, not to mention that it would totally give my rock-type Pokémon a huge advantage. Geodude, eat your heart out!”
