The Eighth Page

Girls Field Hockey Team Named “Best Looking Guys” On Campus

The results of a recent school-wide survey conducted by PEAN, Exeter’s student-run yearbook, have just been announced and the winner of the coveted “Best Looking Group of Guys” title goes to the Girls Varsity Field Hockey team. Other superlative winners of 2008 include Mark Zuckerberg ’02 for “Best Procrastinator” and Edward Harkness for “Best Instruction Facilitator.” While many other superlatives were voted on, the title of “Best Looking Group of Guys” is perhaps the most prestigious and sought after. The field hockey players were delighted by the news. “I haven’t been this excited since I pre-ordered the new TI-92 Platinum Plus!” said Gertrude Dickens ’08, a veteran of the girls’ field hockey team. “I’m really glad we’re finally being recognized for all of our hard work. I mean, its tough being a woman here at Exeter. There’s so much pressure here to fit in and just be ‘one of the guys.’ That kind of mindset really gets to a girl sometimes. It messes with her mind. But now it’s as though all of our dreams have come true. Imagine being told that you’re not only ‘one of the guys,’ but also, the best looking guys on campus. Let me tell you, it’s a really awesome feeling!” Dickens’ emotions of joy were shared by many of her fellow teammates. Patricia “Peppermint Patty” McGlurkin ’09, a defensive player on the team, enjoyed basking in the glory of her new title, and went so far as to speculate why the team had won the most desired award on campus. “It was probably because of our impeccably trimmed mustaches and beards. We’ve been grooming and combing these bad boys since pre-season started. That’s obviously the reason we won. Also, we’re just as tough, if not tougher than any other group on campus. I remember seeing Charlene [Thumpkin] beating a freshman to a pulp after the freshman had pulled a ‘your mom’ joke on her. If that’s not manliness, then I don’t know what is.” The girls field hockey team had beaten out many other campus clubs and groups for the illustrious title, including the boys varsity football team, the boys varsity soccer team, and even the boys varsity chess team. Members of these respective clubs shouted out in outrage, claiming that the title of “Best Looking Group of Guys” should actually go to a group of guys, rather than a group of girls that look like guys. “It’s just because they have broader shoulders than we do,” said George Rosenberg ’08, captain of the varsity football team. “They’re actually also much stronger. I’ve seen Patty McGlurkin in the gym. She can bench like, 400 lbs. No lie, I wouldn’t have believed it either if I wasn’t there to see it for myself. I mean, it’s not really our faults that our bodies haven’t developed yet. Come to think of it, their jaw lines are also way more defined than ours are. Jeez, I guess they are a pretty good-looking group of guys. But still, this whole thing is just a little bit ridiculous, don’t you think?” Ridiculous or not, the Academy has voiced its opinions and the girls varsity field hockey team holds the title from now until next year, when the new superlatives will be announced. One female supporter of the field hockey team was extremely pleased with the results. “Oh wow! It’s like they’re celebrities now!” said the girl, who chose to remain anonymous. “I just hope that Gertrude Dickens will ask me to prom. She’s such a freakin’ hunk. I mean sure, she’s a girl too. But does she look it? No way! I mean, I have yet to meet a guy that is hotter than Gertrude Dickens.”