The Eighth Page

Captains Feature

The Exeter Boys Cross Country team is still celebrating last week’s narrow victory over Kensington Elementary School, the first recorded win in the team’s history. In what many others saw as a “hopeless situation,” the team has worked hard to redeem itself with this milestone victory. Much of their recent success can be attributed to the team’s captain, Shawn Bequette ’08, and his willingness to share his personal stash of steroids with the rest of his team. After entering Exeter as a new Upper, Bequette joined the cross country team in hopes of meeting some girls. Upon realizing that the team wasn’t co-ed, Bequette contemplated switching sports, but decided to stay for the long haul. “It was the best decision of my life,” Bequette said. “No, wait. That’s just not true. I’d have to say the best decision of my life was to skip brushing my teeth this morning. Imagine all the time I saved by opting to do some extra homework instead of worrying about personal hygiene!” His fellow teammates recognized his ineptitude of brushing his teeth at an early stage. However, many believe that it is his unique personality that has brought him to where he is today, in addition to his regular injections of performance-enhancing drugs. “I knew Sean was different from the moment I laid eyes upon his glorious locks of curly red hair.” Said one team member. “He joined the team to meet girls. That alone makes him different from the rest of us, who only joined because chess club was already full. Heck, I don’t even know if I like girls yet.” As Henry Rottfried ’10, a close friend and teammate of Bequette, explained, “It’s not Sean’s enthusiasm or his supportive attitude that makes him a good leader. It’s his steroids. In fact, we calculated his leadership stats in terms of Dungeons & Dragons, and he only scored a +16. And even that’s only because he has the Amulet of Arwen the Great, which gives him +5 speed. It wouldn’t be hard to find a dungeonmaster with higher skill sets, especially on Exeter’s campus.” After a devastating loss to long-time rival Andover, Bequette entered a state of depression, which soon led him to the many bottles of pills he has come to know and love. “I won’t lie,” Bequette said, while trying to hold back his tears. “I hit a low point in my career. I knew there was no way I could possibly be faster than those guys from Andover. They were just too good. So I did what I had to do, what anyone would have done in my situation—I started hitting the juice.” And about 100 pills and several blood transfusions later, Bequette’s times started to improve. “It was a subtle change at first. I began to notice my breasts coming in around day seven, and then the muscle started to develop. It was surreal. I really didn’t know what to expect, never having gained muscle mass before. I kind of felt like Bruce Banner a.k.a. the incredible hulk in issue #6, when he starts breaking out in horrendous acne due to steroid abuse.”