Exeter Boys Soccer finished off a disappointing season this past Wednesday with a big loss to Deerfield Academy. While this is certainly not the first time that Exeter has experienced a winless season, many fans were somewhat surprised to find out that none of the players has ever had any luck with the ladies. Upon questioning members of the soccer team, none of them reported to ever having a girlfriend or any relationships with anyone for that matter. Correlations between constantly losing and not having girlfriends have been proposed and will be the focus of many independent research projects to be carried out in years to come. The relationship of girlfriends to losses becomes apparent upon closer inspection of Wednesday’s game against Deerfield. Even though Exeter was instantly able to calculate the trajectory and velocity of the ball using simple vector physics, Deerfield scored a quick 5 goals at the start of the game. Exeter responded with aggressive defensive play and came close to clearing the ball at the end of the first half. However, close doesn’t seem to cut it for the girls here at Exeter. “I need a man that can at least kick a ball more than 10 feet,” said one plain-looking girl. “It’s just kind of embarrassing, not to mention emasculating, to see our guys get kicked in the crotch over and over again—by their own teammates.” The team did not fare well throughout the remainder of the game. Two of Exeter’s midfielders got confused as to which side they were shooting on, which resulted in 4 devastating own goals. But regardless of the score, Exeter’s goalie, Harlan Keller ’09, played an astounding game, staying in goal for the entire 90 minutes and saving an incredible shot with his face. Despite Keller’s stellar performance in goal, Deerfield continued to apply the pressure scoring 8 additional goals in the second half. “I guess I could maybe, kind of, sort of see myself with Keller, the goalkeeper,” said one Lower girl. “I mean once you get past the greasy hair and acne, I guess he is sort of cute. You know, in a really special way. Definitely not like Brad Pitt-cute, but more like a Flava Flav-kind of cute.” Although Exeter played a strong game, it was certainly not a clean one. A few Exeter players broke into crying fits for unknown reasons and had to be escorted off the field by the team psychology specialists. Another student had his hip shattered when kicked by a fellow teammate who was aiming for the ball. One forward even experienced an unplanned pregnancy during the first half, which is extremely unusual considering that the team was originally thought to be all-male. “Unplanned pregnancies? Count me out,” said one female spectator. “I’ve had more of those than I can count. And let me be the one to tell you that absolutely no good can come of them. Sure, for the first couple of weeks, people will say its ‘adorable’ and a real ‘gift from God,’ but tell me how freakin’ adorable it is at 3:00 a.m. when you have to get up and stick your hands in two feet of baby poop.” Such displays of femininity and just plain stupidity have led many to speculate and draw conclusions to why these players have never once had girlfriends during their time spent at Exeter. “A lot of the guys are just straight up pansies,” remarked the team’s coach, David Burns. “I mean, no self-respecting girl would lower her standards so much as to even talk with them. And if their personalities ain’t enough, I’ve seen them change in the locker room. We’re talking tiny, here. Like microscopic even.”
