I recently went on a mission to decide which restaurant chain is better: McDonald’s or Burger King. To compare the restaurants, I sat down with each restaurant’s spokesman, Ronald McDonald, and the King. Me: Tell me, Ronald: what is good about McDonald’s? Ronald: We sell really cheap food. Sure it tastes like dog excrement that has been soaked in gasoline, but who cares? It is very fast and only costs a dollar! Me: I see… and you manage not to violate any health codes? Ronald: I wish. We violate nearly every single health code in modern America. We’re actually responsible for most of the new codes that are created. Me: Don’t health inspectors get tired of your hazardous shortcomings? Ronald: Well they would, but if they ever failed us in a health report, we would call a hit on them and have them whacked by the Mafia. We would also spit in their food. Me: Indeed. So, where do you get your food? Ronald: Our food comes from a variety of sources. It is very expensive to put actual chicken in people’s food. Instead, we supplement it with equally edible organic matter. Roadkill usually offers a respectable alternative to chicken and fish. We also make use of regular shipments of pigs’ hooves and depleted uranium. All of these things get thrown into a blender before being deep fried and served to our hungry customers. Me: Do customers ever complain about the food? Ronald: No, never. The food is fast and it ONLY COSTS A DOLLAR!!! Me: Yes, but your operations sound illegal. Ronald: I’m pretty sure the law doesn’t apply to transactions below one dollar. King: I don’t know what you’re on, McDonald, but you need to hook me up. Ronald: Sure, your majesty! Ronald hands a small bag of powder (presumably sugar) to the King. Me: Ahhh, Mr. Burger King! How about we have a word with you? Tell us about yourself. King: Well, I have a plastic head and I never stop smiling. I am the creator of a stupid fast food video game, starring myself. Our food is also much better than McDonald’s, but we can never sell at their levels. No matter how good or cheap our food is, no one ever eats it. Ronald snickers as he places a cigarette between his lips. Ronald: You guys suck. You can’t get a single customer. King: Shut up. I don’t make fun of you for your insecurities. Ronald: Why is the King constantly smiling? Because he molests children! Customers avoid his restaurant because kids are afraid of what will happen to them. Me: Oh my gosh! Is this true? Ronald: Of course. The King is just like a video game. He’s plastic and little children turn him on. Suddenly, a giant chicken/ robot crashes through the roof and steps on the King and Ronald. They suffer severe head trauma and die in the hospital. If I have taken one thing away from my interview, it is this: the fast food industry is controlled by a giant robot/chicken. This creature was clearly created from a chicken that mated with a Decepticon. The creature serves people all types of meat except real chicken. The amount of food sold is so great, that all species of animals will die out from being eaten so frequently. People will all suffer from heart attacks from the fatty composition of the food, and chickens will become the overlords of the world along with their Decepticon mates. –Ben Prawdzik
