The Eighth Page

Campus Police Report

Friday, October 26 At 7:13 p.m., two party crashers, later identified as Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, were caught drinking alcohol at the Junior Class pizza party. While culprits were of legal drinking age, they were sighted for “desperate party crashing” as well as multiple counts of “statuatory rape.” Friday, October 26 At 7:32 p.m., a student attempted to sell himself at OXFAM auction. While the rest of the auction was deemed successful, said student only received a single bid of two dollars – from his mother. What a loser. Saturday, October 27 At 9:56 p.m., a group of students dressed as “catboners” at the Halloween Dance were apprehended for having inappropriate costumes. While the accused students claimed that their costumes were actually just “bald werewolves,” the “caterbonery” characteristics were too offensive to go unpunished. In response to this dress code violation, said students must each write a thousand-word essay on the effects of feline erections on 18th century New England poetry. Tuesday, October 30 At 11:34 a.m., more than 50,000 raw potatoes and 1,200 pairs of spit-shined boots were found in the back of the newly christened Ryley Roller. Academy administrators opted not to comment on this recent discovery. Rumors that the Ryley Roller was once a U.S. army surplus truck have been confirmed. Thursday, November 1 At 2:48 p.m., an anonymous Head of School was caught crossing Main Street without looking both ways. Said Head of School pleaded ignorance, but inside sources say that her salary helped pay off the DC “judge.” Dear PAPS Log Diary, today we took a field trip to the Super Wal-Mart and made the new guy, Kevin, drive us around town in the CRV. It was great – I got three bags full of discounted Tupperware. Joey, how many times do we have to tell you? Don’t use the log as a personal diary! This isn’t the Arts Section.