The Eighth Page

Horned Woman Baffles Ben Prawdzik

The following is based on a true story: In recent, breaking news, a Chinese woman, Li Xiaowumanquaijin, grew a five-inch horn out of her head. She says that her horn started out as a small mole, but gradually grew bigger and bigger, until it got pointy and became “huge and weird.” Scientists from all over the world are baffled by this amazing mutation, but they have some theories: One scientist believes that Li Xiaowumanquaijinfjlksjoi is actually a unicorn. Although rare, unicorns can be found in North Dakota, Siberia and the Forbidden Forest. It is common knowledge that unicorns feed on rice, pollution, and cheaply manufactured toys, all of which can be found in China. The unicorn obviously smelled the food and migrated to China. Another scientist believes that Li Xiaowemanquiod’s horn is actually a sign of super powers. Li could have been bitten by a genetically mutated deer, causing her to grow a deer antler and attain deer super powers. She now has the ability to run fast like a deer, stand in front of cars so they can’t drive, and shoot webs to swing between buildings and fight crime. Other scientists believe that Li Xioawudkjfkjedcjvbr is an alien who was beamed down to earth by her alien creators to serve as a spy and infiltrate our society. Her horn is actually some sort of radio communications device used to communicate with the aliens back on her Covenant homeworld of Pontiff Quarum. Another scientist believes that Li Xiaowupinochio is a wood puppet made by a man named Geppetto. Every time Li tells a lie, her horn gets bigger. The NSA, FBI, CIA, OMG, CTU and WTF are all certain that Li Xiaoomghehasabomb is a weapon of mass destruction. They claim to have picked up a radioactive uranium signal coming from the horn. They say the horn is obviously a plutonium or uranium core, which can be detonated at will. Although U.N. searches of the area failed to detect any WMDs, the U.S. government has recognized Li Xiaopsychobomblady as an issue of national security, code blue, and has already formulated a plan to invade Li’s home to recover the weapons, which are definitely there. Finally, one scientist theorizes that the horn is simply an unnatural facial growth caused by a hormone imbalance and only needs medication coupled with small plastic surgery to fix; however, this theory is completely ridiculous and could never happen. Regardless of how or why Li Xiaoewjfoijlkdjogvl has a horn growing out of her head, it is clear that this matter must not go unnoticed. It is an issue of national security, and it is extremely funny. For pictures of the woman, Google “95 year old woman, horn.” –Ben Prawdzik