The Eighth Page


The Halloween Dance is right around the corner and you probably don’t have a costume to wear. Fear not, procrastination is an integral part of a Phillips Academy education. The Features section has you covered. These are the absolute necessities for any Halloween costume. **The Witty Costume** Something that will make people say, “Oh, how witty you are! Why didn’t I think of that?” Well, for starters, you didn’t think of that because you’re not as smart as I am. Duh. Freakin’ idiot. Examples include: The Cereal Killer: Hard to pull off, but has potential. All you have to do is stick a lucky charms box on your head and then start stabbing people. The Silent Study Area Sign: I saw this one a couple of years ago. Pure genius. It wasn’t my idea, but I’ll gladly take the credit. **The Pop Culture Reference Costume** A costume that yells, “Hey guys, I watch MTV too!” Examples include: The Steve Irwin-Stingray Outfit: Last year it was a bit insensitive. It seemed a bit too soon for many people’s liking. We were still mourning from a tragic loss. However, this year it’s fair game. The Michael Jackson: You can find fake noses just about anywhere these days. The little boys might be harder to find. For starters, try your house counselor’s apartment. **The Lazy Costume** “What am I supposed to be? Isn’t it obvious? I’m a stressed-out Phillips Academy student. Ah haha. I’m so clever.” No, actually. I can’t tell. You look the same as you always do. You’re just too lazy to actually do anything, you bum. Your laid-back I-don’t-care-about-Halloween attitude isn’t going to get your way out of this one. Examples Include: The Magic-Marker On The White T-shirt Combo: Versatile, but ridiculously lazy. Almost never turns out how you’d like it to. The Cardboard Box Robot: Was cool in like, third grade. Cooler now. **The Revealing Costume** What better opportunity to show some skin than the Halloween Dance? A favorite among girls, but still open for any males that choose to go the banana hammock route. Examples include: The Football Player: Real football players totally cut off the bottoms of their uniforms and tie a knot through the neck. It really goes well with the spandex short shorts that they wear during games. The Eve: I like to pay homage to my sacred texts by wearing nothing but strategically placed leaves on my naked body.