Well, the monks are gone. It was a fun few days, and the unquestionable success of the monks’ visit to our humble school has left the door open for discussion: What other groups should we try to bring in? Scientologists In order to better understand the thought process of Scientologists, we can invite John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Brandy, Danny Masterson, Beck and the Bonos to Andover. Wait, no. That’s a horrible, horrible idea. How about we just do a movie night playing Mission Impossible? Yeah, that’s better. NAMBLA: The North American Man/Boy Love Association Let’s be truthful with one another for a minute. Older men who want to have unsolicited relations with underage boys are an oppressed minority. In the spirit of diversity, it’s only reasonable that we accept these men into our community and treat them as guests. NAMBLA Day would promote a healthy competition between the men and boys. Leap frog, hide and seek in the Sanctuary and Twister could be offered as activities. We all know pedophiles have gotten a bad rap, and it’s up to dedicated NAMBLA members to show the rest of the world that pedophilia isn’t at all wrong, distressing, unbelievably traumatizing or illegal. We can help. Old PA Graduates As a bonus, we can have seventy-plus-year-old Academy graduates come in and tell us for three hours that the country’s future is in our hands and Andover isn’t what it used to be. If that isn’t a good idea, I honestly have no clue what is. Grumpy old white men, reprimands, and constant berating of how poor our judgment and sense of responsibility is. Oh, and attending the meeting will put you over bandwidth. (for those of you counting at home, I have now made both of the obligatory jokes — bandwidth and Scientology) White Protestants An easy group to procure, it could be an excellent opportunity to learn a little more about the “forgotten people.” I’d like to see a mandatory two-hour Q & A session: What’s up with all the different forms of Protestantism? Is it true white Protestants are predominantly nomadic? What was it like to have your rights as Americans constantly stripped from you? If you’ve ever wanted to know the answers to any or all of such questions, bringing in three or four white Protestants from their Kennebunkport yacht clubs could be an excellent learning experience. After all, it’s our duty to this persecuted demographic to know a little more about them and their exotic culture. Some Homeless People Let me tell you straight off the bat: I’m not an insensitive person. I like puppies. And rainbows. Just last weekend, I watched a rainbow with my puppy, while expressing my emotions. And homeless people, they need our help. Bring ‘em in, put them on at ASM, and have them talk about how they became homeless. Their stories will inform and inspire Andover students to steer clear of drug addiction, laziness, and most importantly, bad luck. After the meeting, we can set up a box for donations and maybe save the lives of a few men and women. For those of you at Andover suffering from at least two out of the three aforementioned conditions, this meeting could really put you back on the right track. –Alex Moss
